November 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Congratulations to the Kansas City Royals who beat the New York Mets late Sunday night to win the World Series. To their credit, Mets fans still believe their team is number one and will gladly remind anyone who cuts them off in traffic or looks at them funny of that with one simple hand gesture.

2. On Monday, animal rights group PETA said they were not in favor of Dallas Cowboys receiver Dez Bryant illegally keeping a baby monkey as a pet. But, after last weekend’s performance, PETA is in favor of taking the Detroit Lions out back and putting them out of their misery.

3. A 33-year-old woman is being treated for injuries she suffered over the weekend after she broke into the Nebraska Zoo to pet a tiger. “It’s like we’ve always said, women and tigers don’t mix,” said Siegfried and Roy.

4. According to a new national poll, Ben Carson is ahead of Donald Trump in the Republican presidential race. But, of course, both candidates trail the much more popular “none of the above” option.

5. Today, voters in Ohio will decide whether to become the first Midwestern state to legalize the recreational use of marijuana. Although, since Ben Carson and Donald Trump have been leading the polls in Iowa for months, I’m not so sure Ohio can be considered the first.

6. According to a new study, many children under the age of five in the U.S. own their own smartphones and tablets. While many children under the age of five in China made those smartphones and tablets.

7. On Monday, as an alternative to sterilizing them, an Israeli cabinet minister proposed sending stray dogs and cats to another country. In response, presidential candidate Donald Trump said his wall will have a door, but no doggy-door.

8. On Monday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump attacked Debbie Wasserman Schultz, the chairwoman of the Democratic National Committee, calling her a “highly neurotic woman.” Wasserman Schultz was relieved because at first she didn’t hear Trump pronounce the “N” at the beginning of “neurotic.”

9. In a new report, the Special Inspector General for Afghanistan Reconstruction found that a now-defunct task force spent nearly $43 million building a compressed natural gas filling station in Afghanistan. Sounds like they’re picking up the efficiencies of democracy faster than we thought.

10. Republican National Committee president Reince Priebus said he was ‘disappointed’ by CNBC coverage of the last presidential debate. And, by the look of the Republican frontrunners, he should get used to that feeling.

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