November 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Last week, the New York Times editorial board called on Chris Christie to drop out of the race for the White House, saying he has neglected his home state of New Jersey. Begging the question, if someone neglected New Jersey, how could you tell?

2. Health officials said on Saturday that twenty-two cases of E. coli infection have been traced to Chipotle restaurants in Oregon and Washington. “And I thought my job was bad before,” said the guy in charge of cleaning Chipotle’s bathrooms.

3. According to a new poll, a large percentage of millennials are chronically stressed about money. They are in so much debt, much like the millennials themselves, their bank accounts “can’t even.”

4. In an excerpt from his upcoming autobiography, Tiger Woods’ ex-caddy Steve Williams said, while working for the golfer, he felt like a slave. “Yeah, he’s into that sort of thing,” said numerous IHOP waitresses.

5. On Friday, the RNC dumped NBC News from sponsoring an upcoming debate following fallout over the debate conducted by media partner CNBC this week that was roundly criticized. Said Republican candidate Jeb Bush, “I don’t agree with the decision. I don’t think it’s fair to hold someone responsible for another’s acts just because they’re related.”

6. On Sunday, newly-elected Speaker of the House Paul Ryan said he has been trying to come up with ways to remove the smell of cigarettes from the speaker’s office that he took over from heavy-smoking John Boehner. “That’s nothing, you should have seen the Oval Office under a blacklight when I moved in,” said George W. Bush.

7. After allegations to the contrary, the head of the Russian Federal Soccer Association said the Russian team that successfully bid to host the 2018 World Cup had no knowledge of who would win until the vote was publicly announced. Said the Russian head, “We had no way of knowing whether any of the other countries out-bribed us.”

8. After last week’s heavily-critiziced CNBC debate, the campaign managers of many of the Republican presidential candidates met in Washington D.C. Sunday night to discuss how to ensure upcoming debates contain more substantive questions. Questions like “How do we deal with ISIS?” and “Who gave Bobby Jindal’s campaign manager this address?”

9. Georgia authorities are investigating how a group of inmates in a suburban Atlanta jail were able to make a rap music video using jailhouse equipment and then get it posted on social media. Which leads to the chilling realization that sending Macklemore to jail may not even stop him.

10. Today, Delaware Governor Jack Markell will pardon Samuel D. Burns, a free black who died in 1863, who was convicted of helping slaves escape to the North via the Underground Railroad. Said Markell, “We can relate to those slaves desires to escape their everyday lives because we spend every day in Delaware.”

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