October 30, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A prominent German ISIS propagandist, who went by the name “Deso Dogg” in the Berlin rap scene, was killed by a U.S. strike in Syria earlier this month. So watch your back, Macklemore.

2. Yesterday it was announced that China will ease family planning restrictions to allow all couples to have two children after decades of a strict one-child policy. But the country’s do-over policy if you have a girl still remains in effect.

3. Fourteen million viewers tuned in for the Republican Party presidential campaign debate on CNBC on Wednesday night, a record for the network. Actually it was fourteen million and one if you count Rand Paul as a viewer.

4. On Thursday, the NBA announced that it will break with tradition and place a sponsored corporate logo on player jerseys during the next two All-Star games. That sponsor, Chico’s Bail Bonds.

5. Pop singer Justin Bieber abruptly canceled his concert in Norway on Thursday night after performing just one song. But, in his defense, you would do the same thing if you were forced to listen to even one Justin Bieber song.

6. Pop singer Justin Bieber abruptly canceled his concert in Norway on Thursday night after performing just one song. Fans called the concert “disappointing,” while music critics called it “still too long.”

7. A group in England attempted to break a world record this past weekend for most people riding a rollercoaster while naked. The group failed to break the record because, once a few of the men disrobed, they couldn’t make it past the “you must be this big to ride” sign.

8. The New York Giants have agreed to terms on a one-year contract with defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul, four months after he mangled his hand in a fireworks accident. Pierre-Paul celebrated by slapping his teammates high-two-and-halves.

9. According to a new study, children with ADHD show signs of improvement after playing a videogame for 30 minutes a day rather than taking a pill. Unfortunately, the game is “Grand Theft Auto” and all they are focused on now is stabbing hookers.

10. This week, Mike Tyson officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. Tyson said he really liked Trump’s foreign policy of “An eye for an eye and an ear for an ear.”

11. This week, Mike Tyson officially endorsed Donald Trump for president. But he got punched in the head for a living, what’s every other Trump supporter’s excuse?

12. On Monday, a dog named Trigger shot his owner in the foot. And you don’t even want to know what his dog Sodomy did to him.

13. Rare identical triplets were born in Baltimore last week. The names of the babies are Tripp, Finn and Ollie, although, at this point, which one is which is still a crapshoot.

14. Last week, Kellogg’s unveiled five new Pop Tart flavors, including watermelon, pink lemonade and bacon. The bacon-flavored Pop Tart is perfect for anybody who loves bacon but wishes it was somehow more unhealthy.

15 Over the weekend, a non-for-profit company granted 96-year-old Olive Horrell’s wish to “see the future” by taking her to Google headquarters where she rode in a driverless car and put on a virtual reality headset. Said Horrell, “All this was great, but when I said I wanted to see the future, I just meant I didn’t want to die.”

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.