October 28, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, a dog named Trigger shot his owner in the foot. Even more impressive, it was a drive-by.

2. In an interview on Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said he doesn’t understand his recent drop in the polls in Iowa. Said Trump, “I guess those bumbling, cousin-fuckers don’t want a classy president.”

3. On Tuesday, Walgreens announced plans to buy competitor Rite Aid for $9.4 billion. If the transaction goes through it will undoubtedly set the record for longest receipt ever.

4. Italian Marco Schiavone won the 2015 European Footgolf Championship at a golf course in Spain on Sunday defeating Dutch professional Marcel Peeper. That story again, a record two people competed in the 2015 European Footgolf Championship.

5. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said Iraq is “the Harvard of terrorism.” Said Harvard, “You know Yale is a good school too, maybe use them in analogies every once and a while.”

6. Republican Jeb Bush’s struggling presidential campaign is cutting salaries across the board and reducing staff in an effort to save money. Word of advice Jeb, might be time to stop playing up the “if elected, I’ll be great at creating jobs” angle.

7. Last week, an English soccer fan was found asleep on a stadium toilet seven hours after his team had finished playing. But, that’ll happen when one of your concession stands serves Chipotle.

8. Julius Njogu was arrested and charged with fraud after attempting to cheat his way into second place at the Nairobi International Marathon in Kenya on Sunday, allegedly sneaking into the race with only a mile to go. Race officials became suspicious of Julius’s second place finish at the Kenyan marathon when they noticed he was white.

9. Two groups that had backed competing ballot initiatives to make recreational use of marijuana legal in Maine agreed on Monday to join forces. Said one group, “I got weed if you got rolling papers.”

10. Russian investigators plan to exhume the remains of Tsar Alexander III at the request of the Orthodox Church in an effort to determine whether and how many illegitimate children he had. In light of that, to save time, officials have decided, when he dies, not to bury Kevin Federline.

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