October 26, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Today is Hillary Clinton’s 68th birthday. Here’s what some of her well-wishers had to say –
Donald Trump: “I didn’t know they made women that old.”
Bill Clinton: “Next year’s the big one.”
Chris Christie: “I was told there would be cake.”
Bobby Jindal: “Yet another thing I wasn’t invited to.”
Jim Webb: “Happy birth…” Bernie Sanders: “Happy birthday, Hillary.”

2. On Saturday, “Tonight Show” host Jimmy Fallon re-injured his right hand after tripping and falling at an event at Harvard. “Looks like the voodoo doll is working,” said Jay Leno.

3. This week Kabul University in Afgahnistan introduced a new course in women’s studies. On the first day the professor says “don’t let them” and then you graduate.

4. According to reports, Aurora, Colorado theater shooter James Holmes, who is in jail for life, was assaulted on Saturday by a fellow prisoner named Mark Daniels. Which, in Daniels’ case, will be considered ‘good behavior.’

5. Disgraced former Subway spokesman Jared Fogle has paid out a total of $1 million to 10 of his victims. But, on the plus-side for Jared, since he has a punch-card, the eleventh victim is free.

6. Maris, a beloved female beluga whale died suddenly last week at the Georgia Aquarium in Atlanta. So good luck to whoever’s job it is to flush that down the toilet.

7. Chris Christie was asked to leave Amtrak’s quiet car Sunday morning after passengers complained to a conductor about the New Jersey governor yelling at his security detail and into his cell phone. But Amtrak immediately regretted its decision when Christie then moved to the dining car.

8. According to fiscal reports, search engine Bing contributed more than $1 billion to Microsoft’s revenue for this quarter. While AskJeeves wants to know if it can borrow twenty bucks.

9. According to TMZ Sports, last week a group of five people armed with guns stormed into Washington Redskins wide receiver Desean Jackson’s residence and pistol-whipping at least one of the six people there. Luckily, since Jackson plays for the Redskins, he’s used to getting beaten at home.

10. Musician Cee Lo Green revealed to “People” magazine last week that he is engaged to his girlfriend Shani James. Long-time bachelor Green did the unthinkable, he got down on one knee, and somehow became shorter.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

This site uses Akismet to reduce spam. Learn how your comment data is processed.