October 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. During halftime of Monday night’s NFL matchup between Eli Manning’s New York Giants and the Chip Kelly coached Philadelphia Eagles a new trailer for the upcoming “Star Wars” movie “The Force Awakens” aired featuring glimpses of Kylo Ren and the First Order. “I understood half of that sentence,” said fans of “Stars Wars” or the NFL.

2. On Monday, a man in Maryland was charged with biting another man’s testicle during a bar fight. Police have released the guilty man’s mugshot:Nutcracker joke

3. In a recent survey, almost half of young women said that at some point in their lives, they had experienced feelings of melancholy after sex. “For a long time I didn’t realize there was another option,” said Selena Gomez.

4. In a recent survey, almost half of young women said that at some point in their lives, they had experienced feelings of melancholy after sex. “Give the other half my number and I’ll fix that,” said Russell Brand.

5. On Tuesday, Subway announced that they will start serving antibiotic-free chicken and turkey in all their U.S. restaurants by next year. So surely that will be the Subway story that people will remember from this year.

6. According to a new survey, almost half of elderly people don’t have an accurate sense of how much longer they’re likely to live. Begging the question, what does that survey taker know that those poor old people don’t?

7. At a press conference on Tuesday, Democratic presidential candidate Jim Webb officially ended his bid for the White House. Leaving the remaining candidates scrambling to scoop up that all-important high school woodshop teacher vote.

8. Former U.S. Senator Jim Webb said on Tuesday he will drop his long-shot bid for the 2016 Democratic presidential nomination. So let me get this straight, you finally have the chance to speak uninterrupted and you quit? Kind of a let-down.

9. Fugitive cartel kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman fell off what appeared to be a small cliff as special forces chased him earlier this month. Apparently the Acme brand parachute bought by El Chapo turned out to be nothing more than a backpack containing an anvil. When reached for comment, a member of the Mexican special forces said, “Meep! Meep!”

10. Milwaukee Bucks forward John Henson has accused a local jeweler of racial profiling after its employees locked him out and called police when he went to the store to buy a watch. Said the store owner, “I’m not racist,” adding, “I’ve sold watches to plenty of black men, presumably because they’re sick of being late all the time.”

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