October 19, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Microsoft has created a new chamber that has been certified as the quietest place on Earth. And, to keep it that way, the chamber will be screening a copy of “Mortdecai” on a continuous loop.

2. Democratic presidential candidate Lincoln Chafee said he will remain in the race as long as he is able to raise important issues and tackle difficult questions. Questions like “Who are you?” and “What are you doing here?”

3. U.S. Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal raised only $579,438 in the last quarter. So it turns out you can raise $579,438 on pity alone.

4. Last week, General Mills announced a social media contest where ten winners will receive a box of marshmallow-only Lucky Charms. Which explains why the cereal’s new slogan is “They’re always after me diabetes.”

5. Last Wednesday, a Target store in San Jose, California accidentally played the audio to a porn movie over the store’s public address system. That announcement was quickly followed by an apology and another announcement for a clean up in every aisle.

6. Halloween masks of fugitive drug kingpin Joaquin “El Chapo” Guzman are flying off the shelves in Mexico. Dressing up and parading around as a country’s most-wanted fugitive in that country, what could possibly go wrong?

7. Alibaba offered to pay $3.5 billion to become the sole owner of Youku Tudou, which is known as China’s YouTube. Youku Tudou is similar to the regular YouTube except how-to cooking videos and cute dog videos are not separate categories.

8. On Sunday, Zambians took part in a national day of prayer, asking God to help their struggling country. “Yeah, that shit don’t work,” said Michigan fans.

9. According to the latest campaign finance report, Republican Donald Trump spent more money on hats, bumper stickers, yard signs and t-shirts than he did on anything else. Which, in couple of months, will come in handy for some poor kids in Africa who are wearing “2014 Seattle Seahawks Superbowl Champions” shirts.

10. Stephen Ross, owner of the NFL’s Miami Dolphins, launched a nonprofit organization on Friday aimed at combating racism by using sports to promote “understanding, respect and equality.” Ross said he decided to try to end racism because he wanted a task that was not as difficult as making the Dolphins good.

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