October 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, the New York Times reported that ‘Playboy’ will no longer publish nude photographs of women. Although, if you’re reading this, you’re not one of the people who still has a subscription to ‘Playboy’ because you’ve heard of the internet.

2. Yesterday, ‘Esquire’ magazine named Game of Thrones actress Emilia Clarke as the sexiest woman alive. “Alive, well I can change that,” said George R.R. Martin.

3. According to a new study, young mothers may be more likely to have unprotected sexual encounters with the fathers of their children, increasing their risk of repeat pregnancies. “Looks like daddy’s buying a new boat,” said the producers of MTV’s “Teen Mom.”

4. On Tuesday, celebrities Julianne Moore, Steve Carell, Yoko Ono and many more joined forces to launch a gun safety campaign aimed at ending gun violence in the U.S. And there’s no more convincing argument for a change to our nation’s gun laws than the fact that we’re stuck with Yoko Ono.

5. North Korea held a military campaign to celebrate the 70th anniversary of their Communist Party. Proving the old adage that everyone does love a parade, or else…

6. The first Democratic presidential debate took place last night. It covered such wide-ranging topics as Hillary Clinton’s email scandal, whether Bernie Sanders is a capitalist and who the fuck these other three guys are.

7. Last night marked the first Democratic presidential debate, which aired on CNN from 8:30 until after 11 at night. It also marked the latest 74-year-old Bernie Sanders has stayed up in over 50 years.

8. During last night’s Democratic presidential debate, Bernie Sanders came to the defense of fellow-candidate Hillary Clinton saying that America was sick of hearing about her emails. Sanders’ statement was surprising since most assumed he had never even heard of email.

9. A Japanese company has invented a device that fits into a customer’s underwear, tracks the user’s bowel movements and lets them know ahead of time when they will need to use the restroom. And, if they don’t heed its warning in time, they will have to buy a new device.

10. Half of 1,221 registered voters polled in a recent survey were unaware that the first Democratic presidential debate took place last night. While the remaining half are the Republican candidates for president.

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