October 13, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. After a nude picture of singer Justin Bieber made the rounds on the internet, Bieber’s dad tweeted that he’s ‘proud’ of his son’s member. Scary to think that Justin may be the most likable member of that family.

2. On Friday night, actor Shia LaBeouf was arrested in Texas for public intoxication. But, in the actor’s defense, he was reportedly doing research for his upcoming lead role in the yet untitled Shia LaBeouf bio-pic.

3. According to a new study, babies often suffer unnecessary pain in clinical studies. “But we’re gonna have to run a few more studies just to make sure,” said Dr. Casey Anthony.

4. Last week, disco funk group Kool & the Gang was awarded the 2,560th star on Hollywood’s famed Walk of Fame. Making that stretch of sidewalk on Hollywood Boulevard almost as crowded as the stage for a Republican presidential debate.

5. Retired golfer, Jay Haas, who captained Team USA to a Presidents Cup win over the International Team over the weekend, was speechless after his son Bill won the final and deciding match. “The word you’re looking for is ‘proud,’” said Justin Bieber’s dad.

6. A Boston-area man is offering to ship a box full of autumn foliage to your doorstep for $19.99. Or, for free, he won’t.

7. It was announced yesterday that Conan O’Brien will film an upcoming episode of his late night talk show in Armenia. O’Brien decided upon hosting a show in Armenia because it was the one job Jay Leno didn’t want.

8. On Sunday, the approximately 200-year-old Steinbach company, one of Germany’s largest producers of traditional wooden nutcrackers, filed for bankruptcy. But, on the plus-side, the now-out-of-work nutcracker employees are more than qualified to work on Hillary Clinton’s campaign.

9. On Sunday’s “Face the Nation,” presidential candidate Donald Trump said he has a concealed weapon permit and feels “much better being armed.” Which means we are only weeks away from being able to buy You’re Fired brand Trump guns.

10. Over the weekend, CNN announced the order of the candidates’ podiums that will be on stage for this week’s Democratic debate that will feature Hillary Clinton, Bernie Sanders and three other presidential hopefuls. The five stiff, wooden objects will line the stage and, also, there will be podiums.

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