10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. A German actor who dressed up as Adolf Hitler for a movie and traveled through the country for four weeks was shocked by the warm welcome he received. Even more shocking, France has already surrendered.

2. Hundreds of people gathered in New York’s Central Park on Tuesday in an attempt to set a record for the largest human peace symbol to celebrate what would have been John Lennon’s 75th birthday this year. Worried that the crowd might turn violent, the NYPD got them to disperse by playing some of Yoko Ono’s music.

3. Inmates from the Eastern New York Correctional Facility defeated the prestigious Harvard debate team in mid-September as part of a new prison initiative. Of course, the contest may have been a little unfair considering the randomly chosen topic for debate was ‘What’s the best kind of wine to make in your toilet?’

4. According to a new study, teens identifying with the ‘goth’ culture may be more vulnerable to depression and self-harm. Unless, of course, they’re posers.

5. Arizona State University officials have asked football fans to refrain from painting their faces black for a blackout home game this weekend after several students did so last year. “Looks like my Saturday night just opened up,” said Rachel Dolezal.

6. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. That takes integrity, specifically structural integrity on the part of the bridge.

7. Burger King customers are reporting that the limited-edition, Halloween-themed, black-bunned Whopper turned their poop green. And they’re pretty sure it was the burger’s doing since no Burger King customer has eaten anything green in years.

8. A hunter in Montana claims he fended off a grizzly bear by shoving his arm into its throat to induce a gag reflex that frightened it away. Said the hunter, “But, if you encounter a bear without a gag reflex, marry it.”

9. Pope Francis on Sunday reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s opposition to gay marriage. Adding, “But Ryan Gossling is making it really fucking difficult.”

10. A New Jersey priest, who is a Giants fan, was arrested last week after allegedly pulling out a gun on an 8-year-old boy because he was a Cowboys fan. Which is still an improvement on what priests usually pull out when in the company of 8-year-old boys.

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