October 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Thursday, Donald Trump suggested that he was partly responsible for convincing House Majority Leader Kevin McCarthy to drop his bid to become the new speaker. Now, if he could only convince himself of the same.

2. Saudi billionaire Prince Alwaleed Bin Talal now owns over 5% of Twitter. It’s weird the Prince is a fan of Twitter since his name alone takes up most of the 140 character limit.

3. A video game engineer this week proposed to his girlfriend by using his company’s virtual reality headset. But, of course, he had to since that is the only place where his girlfriend exists.

4. Doctors in the U.K. are working on a procedure that can build a replacement penis out of a man’s arm. And you thought putting on a condom was hard before.

5. A German actor who dressed up as Adolf Hitler for a movie and traveled through the country for four weeks was shocked by the warm welcome he received. Even more shocking, France has already surrendered.

6. Hundreds of people gathered in New York’s Central Park on Tuesday in an attempt to set a record for the largest human peace symbol to celebrate what would have been John Lennon’s 75th birthday this year. Worried that the crowd might turn violent, the NYPD got them to disperse by playing some of Yoko Ono’s music.

7. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. “Dear God, no!” said the water beneath the Brooklyn Bridge.

8. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said Friday that a bankruptcy plan proposed by Patriot Coal is “outrageous and must be stopped” because it diverts money intended for coal miners’ retirement benefits. Clinton suggested a back-up plan to raise the necessary funds in which she will make diamonds by putting pieces of coal between her butt cheeks.

9. Someone has invented a portable sex robot that’s being called the three-in-one male masturbator. Which means Kim, Khloe and Kourtney will need to come up with a new nickname.

10. High-resolution scans suggest the tomb of Egypt’s boy-king Tutankhamun contains passages to two hidden chambers. Which, if true, means King Tut’s coffin is more spacious than my $2000 a month, New York City apartment.

11. Ethiopia aims to triple its number of foreign visitors to more than 2.5 million by 2020, making tourism a pillar of the African country’s economy. “We’ll see about that,” said Ebola.

12. A processing company that provides chicken to KFC was fined last week after an employee lost two fingertips while on the job. But in KFC’s defense, they never clarified whose fingers were finger-licking good.

13. A Virginia Beach mother was stunned last week when she opened up the box for a newly purchased toy sword, but instead found 800 rounds of nine millimeter ammunition. So good luck to whoever unknowingly brought a toy knife to a gun fight.

14. Select Burger King stores have introduce limited edition Whopper wine. The wine pairs perfectly with disappointment.

15. The author of the popular book series “Lemony Snicket and a Series of Unfortunate Events” has donated $1 million to Planned Parenthood. Which seems like a pretty bad business decision for a guy who writes children’s books.

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