October 8, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. It is being reported that the two guards charged with watching drug kingpin El Chapo at a high-security Mexican prison were playing solitaire while he escaped. And you can yell these guards weren’t the brightest because it took two of them to play a game of solitaire.

2. Inmates from the Eastern New York Correctional Facility defeated the prestigious Harvard debate team in mid-September as part of a new prison initiative. Of course, the contest may have been a little unfair considering the randomly chosen topic for debate was ‘What’s the best kind of wine to make in your toilet?’

3. Draft Biden, the political action committee created to urge Joe Biden to jump into the presidential race, has released its first national television commercial. And, to make sure the Vice President sees it, the ad will air during SpongeBob.

4. According to a new study, teens identifying with the ‘goth’ culture may be more vulnerable to depression and self-harm. Unless, of course, they’re posers.

5. According to “USA Today,” Republican candidates commit almost twice as many grammatical errors when speaking than the Democratic candidates. For instance, the Democrats know the difference between ‘there,’ ‘they’re,’ and ‘their,’ while the Republicans just say ‘mine.’

6. Ten years after “Twilight” hit the book shelves, author Stephanie Meyers is celebrating the anniversary by rewriting a special edition of the novel where the lead characters’ genders have been reversed. Meyers decided upon this rewrite because it was easier than, you know, making the book good.

7. Russian President Vladimir Putin marked his 63rd birthday on Wednesday by participating in a game of ice hockey. So congratulations to Putin, who I’m sure won, and congratulations to the opposing teams’ loved ones who were allowed to live.

8. Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson recently met with rapper Kanye West and said he was impressed by Kanye’s knowledge of business. For instance, Kanye knew it wasn’t a wise business investment to make a donation to Carson’s presidential campaign.

9. Doctors in the U.K. are working on a procedure that can build a replacement penis out of a man’s arm. Giving new meaning to the phrase “the one-armed man did it.”

10. Two Colorado marijuana users have sued a cannabis grower claiming a “patently dangerous” fungicide that becomes poisonous when ignited was applied without their knowledge to pot they later smoked. Although, if marijuana users are gonna start suing over things that happened without their knowledge, that lawyer is gonna be really busy.

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