1. Recently, presidential candidate Carly Fiorina said her degree in medieval studies will help her defeat ISIS. Said ISIS, “We have never been so offended, who allowed a woman to get a degree?”
2. In a move to reduce prison overcrowding, the Federal Bureau of Prisons will grant early release to about 6,000 inmates beginning at the end of this month. Or, as the NFL refers to it, just in time for the playoffs.
3. Republican presidential candidate Bobby Jindal will unveil a tax plan today under which all citizens will pay at least some federal income tax. No word whether, under President Jindal’s plan, the flying pigs will have to pay taxes too.
4. Arizona State University officials have asked football fans to refrain from painting their faces black for a blackout home game this weekend after several students did so last year. “Looks like my Saturday night just opened up,” said Rachel Dolezal.
5. In a recent interview with “Vanity Fair,” singer Rihanna said she once felt strong enough to take back boyfriend Chris Brown after he famously assaulted her in 2009. Luckily she had someone around to knock some sense into her.
6. Lexus unveiled a full-sized cardboard version of their new sedan in London on Monday. “Cool, it will match my garage,” said homeless people.
7. Over the weekend, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he has a firearm license and owns a gun in New York and if anyone messes with him they’re “gonna get shot.” Which is terrible news for Donald’s barber.
8. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said he would rather jump off the Brooklyn Bridge than be in Congress. That takes integrity, specifically structural integrity on the part of the bridge.
9. Burger King customers are reporting that the limited-edition, Halloween-themed, black-bunned Whopper turned their poop green. And they’re pretty sure it was the burger’s doing since no Burger King customer has eaten anything green in years.
10. A farmer in Michigan last week accidentally unearthed a wooly mammoth skeleton while digging in his field. “My parents did tell me they sent Wooly to go live on a farm upstate,” said Larry King.