October 6, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, presidential hopeful Donald Trump jokingly sent a case of Trump Ice Natural Spring Water to rival Marco Rubio with the note “Since you’re always sweating, we thought you could use some water. Enjoy.” And, as a final insult, they put the water bottles just out of Rubio’s reach.

2. Disneyland has upped the price of its most expensive yearly passes to $1,049 from $779. Disney execs said they increased the price to make up for the expected loses now that their most loyal customer, Jared Fogle, is in jail.

3. According to a new study, Singapore is the country with the smartest high-school-aged kids in the world. Not to be outdone, American high-school students just learned that Singapore is a country.

4. Physician-assisted suicide will become legal in California under a bill signed into law by Governor Jerry Brown on Monday. “I’m back, baby!” said Dr. Conrad Murray.

5. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Monday said removing Syrian President Bashar al-Assad is a top priority. Wait, she wants to be president of that country, too!?!

6. A hunter in Montana claims he fended off a grizzly bear by shoving his arm into its throat to induce a gag reflex that frightened it away. Said the hunter, “But, if you encounter a bear without a gag reflex, marry it.”

7. In a recent interview, Kim Kardashian said pregnancy is the ‘worst experience’ of her life. Which is saying something coming from someone who has to try to carry on a coherent conversation with Kanye West on a daily basis.

8. On Monday, singer Nick Jonas denied ever wearing a diaper onstage while performing. “Don’t knock it till you try it” said the Rolling Stones.

9. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said it was important to be unpredictable. And, true to his word, he then complimented Carly Fiorina.

10. Pope Francis on Sunday reaffirmed the Catholic Church’s opposition to gay marriage. Adding, “But Ryan Gossling is making it really fucking difficult.”

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