October 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, President Obama chose not to answer a question about whether Joe Biden would or should run for president, instead saying, “he is doing a great job as vice president and has been really helpful on a whole bunch of issues.” Which is exactly what parents say about their children on bring-your-kid-to-work days.

2. Over the weekend, presidential candidate Hillary Clinton appeared on “Saturday Night Live” in a sketch as a bartender. Hillary was a convincing bartender, at one point she made all the beer mugs frosty by breathing on them.

3. Republican presidential front-runner Donald Trump said on Sunday the Middle East would be more stable if Muammar Gaddafi and Saddam Hussein were still in power. And I like to think if Gaddafi and Hussein were alive today they were endorse Trump as well.

4. A New Jersey priest, who is a Giants fan, was arrested last week after allegedly pulling out a gun on an 8-year-old boy because he was a Cowboys fan. Which is still an improvement on what priests usually pull out when in the company of 8-year-old boys.

5. On Friday, lawyers for Sepp Blatter said the FIFA president will not resign after two major sponsors called for him to step down due to allegations of bribery and corruption. Adding “Unless,” and then they made that money sign with their fingers.

6. It was announced over the weekend that CBS is rebooting the 90’s television series “MacGyver.” Said CBS, “We are officially out of ideas.”

7. China wants to speed construction of a national network to charge electric cars, to help reach an ambitious goal of 5 million green vehicles on its roads by 2020. Although the really ambitious part of the plan is the notion that 5 million Chinese drivers will be able to keep their cars on the road.

8. Despite Vice President Joe Biden saying he will not participate in the first Democratic presidential debate, CNN said it will still hold an empty podium for him in case he changes his mind. And, it’s gonna be pretty embarrassing when, the day after the debate, the empty podium becomes the new front-runner.

9. Burger King has introduced a new Halloween-themed hamburger with a black bun. You’re working too hard, you had me terrified at ‘Burger King.’

10. The Vatican said Friday that the Pope’s meeting with Kentucky county clerk Kim David was not a private meeting, but part of a greeting with several other people. Although I bet Kim is used to men denying that they were alone in a room with her.

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