September 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Matt Damon has apologized after sparking an uproar in the season premiere of HBO’s “Project Greenlight,” which he produces with Ben Affleck, by explaining diversity in film to a black woman producer. But, in Damon’s defense, some of his best friend’s ancestors owned black people.

2. On Tuesday, CEO Tim Cook said he is working on a way to let iPhones users delete the seldom-used built-in apps that come preloaded on the phone. “I could have told you people don’t like it when you put things on their phones they can’t delete,” said U2.

3. Wednesday’s Republican presidential debate on CNN attracted over 22 million viewers, making it the highest-rated program in the channel’s history. “You’re welcome,” said Rand Paul.

4. This week, Taco Bell announced that it will begin opening new, higher-end restaurants called Taco Bell Cantinas. The new and old restaurants will be very similar, except in the fancier option there will be a bathroom attendant present to hear you have diarrhea.

5. A federal appeals court said Raanan Katz, a minority owner of the Miami Heat, cannot prevent a famously harsh blog from publishing an unflattering picture of him with his tongue protruding askew from his mouth. So, suck it, Raanan:

6. On Thursday, restaurant chain Buffalo Wild Wings said it would stop airing commercials featuring actor Steve Rannazzisi after he admitted to lying about being in the World Trade Towers on 9/11. Buffalo Wild Wings will now go with their back-up spokesman, Brian Williams.

7. Under a proposed plan, New York City will require topless women, Elmo impersonators and other costumed characters who populate Times Square to work in designated zones that pedestrians can choose to steer clear of. I thought we already had an area like that that people avoided on purpose, it was called Times Square.

8. Yesterday, Air Canada flight 85 from Tel Aviv to Toronto made an emergency landing in Frankfurt to save a 7-year-old French bulldog named Simba riding in the overheated cargo hold. And no one was more upset about the decision to land the plan to save the bulldog than the dog’s uncle Scar.

9. According to a new study, kids who are rushed through school lunch end up throwing out more food because they don’t have enough time to eat. Although, if I remember school lunches correctly, that may be a good thing.

10. On Tuesday, to promote his new car show on CNBC, Jay Leno posed as an Uber driver and drove unsuspecting customers around L.A. Every ride ended with Jay taking the passengers to their destination, staying way too long and then refusing to leave.

11. On Tuesday, to promote his new car show on CNBC, Jay Leno posed as an Uber driver and drove unsuspecting customers around L.A. Passengers knew something was amiss when their Uber car was a 1937 steam-powered Studebaker.

12. According to a new report, despite a drop in the number of people facing starvation, nearly one third of the world’s population is malnourished. This study was conducted anywhere but the South.

13. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump if he weren’t her father. “This is the first time I wish I were related to Donald Trump,” said every woman everywhere.

14. Over the weekend, a British builder won the annual World Black Pudding Tossing Championship. “You had me at ‘black’ and lost me at ‘pudding,’” said George Zimmerman.

15. On Friday, former Texas Governor Rick Perry officially ended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. So now, the remaining candidates will compete for Perry’s supporter.

16. Presidential candidate Hillary Clinton’s newest TV campaign commercial highlights her granddaughter Charlotte. The ad features a crying Charlotte in a wig playing the role of Donald Trump.

17. The new Guinness Book of World Records was released last week and Andre Ortal of Germany snagged three records including fastest 100-meter dash wearing ski boots and fastest 100-meter dash wearing clogs. Ortal’s third record was most aggravated downstairs neighbor.

18. A new species of fish named the blue bastard has been discovered in Australia. So congratulations to whoever discovered it and my apologies to whoever it was named after.

19. A woman in Taiwan fulfilled her dying husband’s last wish by allowing strippers to perform at his funeral. So, turns out, the body wasn’t the only stiff in the room that day.

20. A mother in the U.K. has been arrested for giving her daughter over $500 worth of cocaine for her 18th birthday. But, in her defense, it was a cause for celebration, because, considering who her mother was, most people didn’t give the kid much of chance to live that long.

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