September 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Wednesday, New England quarterback Tom Brady endorsed Donald Trump for president. Just when you think the Patriots can’t possible get any more unlikeable, they find a new way.

2. Yesterday, guitarist Keith Richards said the Rolling Stones plan to record a new album next year. Although, I’m not sure the Stones should be making plans years in advance.

3. New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre Paul’s football career may be over after reports surfaced that he may be missing more fingers than initially suspected from his July 4th fireworks accident. Even worse, Paul’s back-up career plan of becoming a proctologist is also over.

4, Yesterday, a federal judge ruled that rapper Rick Ross cannot copyright the phrase “Everyday I’m hustlin’” because, according to recent pictures of the 300-plus pound rapper, he’s not.

5. On Tuesday, Amazon founder Jeff Bezos unveiled plans to build a rocket manufacturing plant and launch site in Florida. Because there’s no better motivation to make it to outer space than when the remaining option is staying in Florida.

6. Presidential candidate Donald Trump appealed to veterans on Tuesday by saying a Trump administration would let them go to private hospitals if VA hospitals failed to provide decent care. Unless a veteran got himself captured, then he’s a loser who doesn’t deserve healthcare.

7. On Tuesday, Vice President Joe Biden said Donald Trump’s campaign remarks about Mexican immigrants was an attempt to incite xenophobia in the worst parts of society. Or, as it’s better known, the South.

8. “Star Wars” fans will have a chance to buy Princess Leia’s iconic slave bikini costume in an upcoming auction. Then comes the hard part for whoever submits the winning bid, finding a real, live woman to wear it.

9. After Facebook founder Mark Zuckerberg announced the possibility of a ‘dislike’ button, users took to the social networking site to express their concerns over such an addition. Said those unhappy users, “I just wish there was an easy way to express my dissatisfaction about this idea.”

10. A three-year-old American girl has been diagnosed with type 2 diabetes, a condition linked to obesity, making her one of the youngest people ever to be diagnosed with the disease. “If she’s interested in losing some weight, I’d be willing to help,” said Jared Fogle.

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