September 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Tuesday, to promote his new car show on CNBC, Jay Leno posed as an Uber driver and drove unsuspecting customers around L.A. Which is a great promotion because both Leno’s Uber driver rating and his upcoming show received zero stars.

2. According to a new study, for primary school children in China, spending an extra 45 minutes per day outside may reduce the risk of near sightedness. But I don’t care, get back inside, those iPhones aren’t gonna make themselves.

3. Yesterday, Dreamworks announced that singer Justin Timberlake will star in its upcoming animated film “Trolls,” about the spiky-haired Danish dolls. “Well, my agent’s fired,” said Carrot Top.

4. In a recent interview, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would consider dating his daughter Ivanka Trump if he weren’t her father. “Ah, you almost had my vote,” said Woody Allen.

5. During a Q&A session on Tuesday, Facebook CEO Mark Zuckerberg said the social media site is developing a ‘dislike’ button. “Yeah, we’ll just save you some time and take down our Facebook page,” said Nickelback.

6. Hundreds of angry Latinos held a rally yesterday outside a Donald Trump campaign stop in Dallas. Trump said he supported their right to rally, adding, “When they get together like this, it makes it much easier for me to deport them.”

7. Target said on Tuesday it has partnered with Instacart to deliver groceries over the internet for as little as $3.99 per order. Bringing Target even closer to its goal of not having to interact face-to-face with people who shop at Target.

8. Nine of the world’s biggest banks including Goldman Sachs and Barclays have joined forces to create a framework for using blockchain technology in the markets. I don’t know what that means, but, if history is any guide, only good things happen when banks team up.

9. According to reports, cable network AMC is in talks to buy premium TV cable network Starz. The companies will join forces to create a super channel that will be impossible to find on your TV.

10. Yesterday it was announced that blind long-snapper Jake Olson had made the University of Southern California football team. So congratulations to Jake and good luck to the USC punter.

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