September 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, it was announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be the new host of NBC’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” Or, as it will hopefully be reported, Trump replaced by immigrant.

2. Yesterday, it was announced that Arnold Schwarzenegger will be the new host of NBC’s “Celebrity Apprentice.” But, if Arnold plans to keep the tradition that Donald Trump established of firing contestants at the boardroom table surrounded by his children, they’re gonna need a bigger table.

3. It was reported on Monday, that Vice President Joe Biden held a secret meeting with Robert Wolf, a major fundraiser for President Obama and a current Hillary Clinton supporter. Holding secret meetings behind Hillary’s back, that sounds presidential to me, particularly one specific president.

4. On Monday, Michigan confirmed its first ever case of the plague. If the patient doesn’t pull through he will be survived by his wench.

5. On Monday, it was announced that soul singer Aretha Franklin will perform during Pope Francis’ visit to Philadelphia later this month. Which means it will be one of those rare instances where the Pope isn’t wearing the most ridiculous hat.

6. According to a new study, African-American patients don’t live as long as white patients after a heart attack. Said one black patient, “It’s the big one! I’m coming Elizabeth!”

7. UFC fighter Nick Diaz has been suspended for five years for repeatedly failing drug tests due to marijuana. Apparently, Diaz is going for the title, the title of worst memory ever.

8. David Mueller, a Denver-based DJ is suing singer Taylor Swift after accusations that he grabbed her ass at a concert meet-and-greet got him fired from his radio station. Mueller is expected to plead that “players gonna play, play, play.”

9. On Saturday, Republican candidate Donald Trump attended the college football game between the University of Iowa Hawkeyes and the Iowa State Cyclones. Trump said he was rooting against the Cyclones as, due to his hair, high winds are his natural enemy.

10. A farmer in India claims to have made over $1 million selling bull semen last year. Not sure who’s happier about that, the farmer or the bull.

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