September 14, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Republican front-runner Donald Trump said on Sunday, high salaries paid to CEOs were a “joke” and were often approved by company boards stacked with the CEO’s friends. Just a reminder, this is coming from a guy who used to literally sit at a boardroom table and let his kids fire people.

2. Republican presidential candidate Jeb Bush outlined a simple plan on Thursday for regaining his frontrunner status, patience. More specifically, waiting until 2020.

3. On Friday, former Texas Governor Rick Perry officially ended his campaign for the Republican presidential nomination. Hopefully it’s not too late for him to get his money back on those glasses.

4. On Saturday, Republican candidate Donald Trump campaigned at the Iowa-Iowa State college football game. Trump told fans in attendance that he would “Make Iowa great,” but added he couldn’t, in good conscious, say “again.”

5. On Friday, Philadelphia’s Please Touch Children’s Museum filed for Chapter 11 bankruptcy. “Great, now where am I going to hang out?” said Jared from Subway.

6. Last week, presidential hopefuls Donald Trump and Ted Cruz held a rally outside the U.S. Capitol to protest President Obama’s Iran nuclear deal. It was the first time Trump and Cruz have met outside of a debate or an island shaped like a skull.

7. Recently, presidential candidate Donald Trump told reporters that “we will have so much winning if I’m elected you may get bored of winning.” Proving that Trump doesn’t know how to properly pronounce the word ‘whining.’

8. Last week, a passenger on a Portland, Oregon-bound JetBlue flight is accused of urinating on fellow travelers. “Everything is an upgrade with airlines these days, I bet that costs extra,” said R Kelly.

9. Last week, a man uploaded a video of himself jumping out of a plane and solving a Rubik’s cube during free fall. “Oh, that explains the Rubik’s cube,” said the coroner.

10. Tennis player Flavia Pennetta won the U.S. Open on Saturday and then immediately announced her retirement from competitive tennis. Well Flavia, I think I speak for everyone when I say, thanks for the memory. The one single memory from the only time I’ve ever heard of you. Thanks.

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