10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. President Obama arrived in Alaska on Monday for a three-day tour aimed at showing the effects climate change is having on the state. Obama highlighted the horrors of global warming by saying, “If Alaska disappears, Sarah Palin may have to move to your state.”

2. A new study has found that wrist-worn activity trackers can vary considerably in their accuracy. This finding according to my latest excuse.

3. Yesterday, ABC unveiled the full cast of the next season of “Dancing with the Stars,” which will include singer Chaka Kahn and celebrity chef Paula Deen. So, for once, Deen’s habit of calling every black woman ‘Chaka Khan’ won’t get her in trouble.

4. Yesterday, the New York Times reported that the script of the upcoming movie “Concussion,” about football-related brain injuries, was revised to avoid angering the NFL. “You can revise a script?” said the writer of ‘Pixels.’

5. On Wednesday, medical researchers called for a detailed, thoughtful debate on the future use of new genetic technology that has the potential to create “designer babies.” Upon hearing this, Kim Kardashian immediately threw North West in the garbage.

6. On Monday, retired neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson pulled into a tie with businessman Donald Trump in the newest poll of voters in Iowa. Begging the question, are you sure you’re not holding those poll results upside-down?

7. Yesterday, the owners of the infidelity website Ashley Madison said that hundreds of thousands of people have signed up for the website even after hackers leaked the data of millions of its customers. Because having my identity stolen is still better than spending one more day with you, Brenda!

8. The CEO of the infidelity website Ashley Madison has left, just over a week after a massive data hack. He left to be the CEO of a younger, much hotter infidelity website.

9. President Obama reassured U.S. Jewish groups on Friday that, in light of the Iran nuclear deal, the U.S.-Israeli relationship is still very strong. Said Israel, “God forbid you should pick up a phone.”

10. This week, Taiwan will roll out limited-edition metro cards featuring a popular Japanese porn star. Because, apparently, unlike New York City, not enough people were masturbating on the subway.

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