September 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. 88 pounds of wool has been sheared from a sheep in Australia, making him unofficially the world’s woolliest sheep. The wool will be used to knit one sleeve for Chris Christie’s christmas sweater.

2. A Spanish man has placed a newspaper ad offering $5,600 to any employer who will employ his grown-up son. “Well, his name is Emilio, but I’m not Spanish,” said Martin Sheen.

3. On Thursday, Donald Trump signed a loyalty pledge with the RNC, promising to support the party’s eventual nominee, even if it’s not him, and pledging not to run as a third-party candidate. And, if you’ve ever bought a Trump-branded tie, dress shirt, pair of cuff-links, cologne, wallet, mattress, steak, haircare product, beer or bottle of water, you know Trump puts in a lot of thought before he signs his name on something.

4. Yesterday, Federal Judge Richard Berman overturned Patriot quarterback Tom Brady’s 4-game suspension for his alleged involvement in the Deflategate scandal. And, to think, everyone in my fantasy football league laughed at me when I used a third round pick to draft Judge Berman.

5. On Thursday, the U.S. Justice Department announced that law enforcement agencies will now need to obtain a search warrant to use devices that track cellphone locations. Obtaining a search warrant can be a long and tedious process, so, in the meantime, police are asking criminals to check-in on FourSquare.

6. On Monday, the White House announced that President Obama will tape an episode of NBC’s “Running Wild with Bear Grylls” in the wilderness of Alaska. Marking the first time Republicans are rooting the environment.

7. President Obama arrived in Alaska on Monday for a three-day tour aimed at showing how the state’s melting permafrost and eroding coastline are a sign of rapid climate change. Obama highlighted the horrors of global warming by saying, “If Alaska disappears, Sarah Palin may have to move to your state.”

8. Five Rutgers University football players were suspended from the team after being arrested on Thursday, with four accused of assault and one charged in a pair of home invasions. College football experts predict, for those five athletes to see any playing time this year they’ll have to transfer to FSU.

9. On Tuesday, Pope Francis announced that priests around the world will be authorized to forgive the “sin of abortion.” And, in future news, the priest taking Paris Hilton’s confessional has died of exhaustion.

10. Yesterday, McDonald’s announced that it will begin offering all-day breakfast nationwide on October 6. Although, if you’re the type of person who’s interested in getting an Egg McMuffin at 10pm, I’m betting the rest of your day wasn’t that busy to begin with.

11. In an interview with CNN, former Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not ready to officially support Donald Trump’s bid for president. Which can only mean one thing, Trump has not yet made the requisite human sacrifices to the dark lord to secure Cheney’s endorsement.

12. Last Thursday, Arizona Representative Matt Salmon frightened many second- and third-graders when he gave a speech at their school about the Iran nuclear deal and talked about terrorists and suicide bombers. And who says our schools don’t teach our kids anything anymore? That day, those kids learned that Matt Salmon is a moron.

13. A new study has found that wrist-worn activity trackers can vary considerably in their accuracy. This finding according to my latest excuse.

14. On Tuesday, a spokeswoman for the Beijing 2022 Winter Olympic Games said access to winter sports is a human right. Because, if there’s anything I know about China, it’s that they are experts on human rights.

15. Last week, Sarah Palin tore into ESPN, which is headquartered in Bristol, Connecticut, calling the network “whimpering” and “intolerant” for suspending baseball analyst Curt Schilling after he compared Muslims to Nazis. So now, ESPN is the second Bristol, Palin knows that makes bad decisions.

16. Chris Christie said Saturday that if elected president he will track undocumented immigrants like FedEx packages. Which is a weird choice of analogy, because UPS’s slogan is “What can Brown do for you?”

17. During President Obama’s trip to Alaska, while showing-off a few of the salmon he caught, one of the fish spawned on his shoes. Said Charlie Sheen, “You usually have to pay extra for that.”

18. On Tuesday, President Obama said the U.S. needs additional icebreaker ships to aid the Coast Guard in the Arctic. Or, considering global warming, you could just wait a few years and the problem will take care of itself.

19. Taiwan will roll out limited-edition metro cards featuring a popular Japanese porn star this week. There’s gonna be a lot of swiping going on.

20. New York Jets rookie quarterback Bryce Petty caused an uproar amongst Jets fans when he tweeted about eating Domino’s instead of a ‘real’ New York slice. Although, at this point, you’d think Jets fans would be used to their quarterbacks disappointing them.

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