September 2, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. CNN is amending the criteria for its upcoming Republican presidential debate, possibly opening the door for Carly Florin to join the top-tier candidates on stage. “That’s great news,” said Donald Trump, “I was worried, since Megyn Kelly isn’t moderating this one, I wouldn’t be able to be blatantly sexist.”

2. According to a new study, an explosion in the number of new internet addresses has created a wealth of opportunities for criminals exploiting shady domain names such as .zip, .kim or .party. So beware of websites like, and

3. On Wednesday, medical researchers called for a detailed, thoughtful debate on the future use of new genetic technology that has the potential to create “designer babies.” Upon hearing this, Kim Kardashian immediately threw North West in the garbage.

4. According to a new study, three out of four U.S. adults have a predicted “heart age” that is older than they are. And, to support their findings, researchers highlighted the fact that Dick Cheney’s heart died ten years ago.

5. According to Nielsen data, Fox News scored the highest prime-time ratings among all basic cable television networks in August. Now comes the fun part, Bill O’Reilly, Donald Trump and Geraldo Rivera all battling to take credit.

6. Denmark will send its first man into space today. They have named the mission ‘Kim Kardashian’ because they are boldly going where many men have gone before.

7. A set of Taiwan metro cards featuring pictures of a Japanese porn star sold out on Tuesday within hours of going on sale. What was really weird was, even when commuters had their cards in hand, they still appeared to be searching around in their pockets for something.

8. A set of Taiwan metro cards featuring pictures of a Japanese porn star sold out on Tuesday within hours of going on sale. Which is nice, until the card runs out of money, and then there’s just another woman in your life telling you you’re ‘insufficient.’

9. On Tuesday, Republican presidential candidate Scott Walker said he only needs to win 12 states to become the next president. Said fellow-candidate Rick Perry, “What about the other 48?”

10. In an interview with CNN, former Vice President Dick Cheney said he is not ready to officially support Donald Trump’s bid for president. But, keep an eye out, because if he does eventually endorse Trump, we’ll just be two horsemen shy.

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