September 1, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, retired neurosurgeon and Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson pulled into a tie with businessman Donald Trump in the newest poll of voters in Iowa. Begging the question, are you sure you’re not holding that poll upside-down?

2. Yesterday, U.S. presidential candidate Scott Walker proposed a wall spanning the country’s border with Canada. And I may be in favor of it depending on which side of the wall Walker will be on.

3. On Monday, the 19th-century manuscript of a musical number that gave rise to the song “Happy Birthday to You” was found in library at the University of Louisville in Kentucky. The document was discovered when, for the first time in history, a person in Kentucky went in a library.

4. At Sunday night’s Video Music Awards, Kanye West announced he will run for president in 2020 and Justin Bieber broke down and cried after performing. Sounds like Bieber is already angling for that John Boehner role in Kanye’s cabinet.

5. At Sunday night’s Video Music Awards, Kanye West announced that in 2020 he will run for president of the United States of America. Or, as it will be called in 2020, Donald Trump presents Trump’s United States of America by Trump.

6. At Sunday night’s Video Music Awards, Kanye West announced he will run for president in 2020. Which means Kim Kardashian could be the first First Lady most Americans have seen naked since Barbara Bush’s spread in Playgirl.

7. On Monday, the White House announced that President Obama will tape an episode of NBC’s “Running Wild with Bear Grylls” in the wilderness of Alaska. “Get my gun!” said Sarah Palin.

8. Yesterday, the owners of the infidelity website Ashley Madison said that hundreds of thousands of people have signed up for the website even after hackers leaked the data of millions of its customers. Because having my identity stolen is still better than spending one more day with you, Brenda!

9. On Monday, the White House said that President Obama has made no final decisions about what he will do after leaving office. Although, if Trump becomes president, he won’t have to make that decision as he will automatically be deported back to Kenya.

10. The Titanic’s last lunch menu is expected to sell for up to $70,000 in an online auction this week. The dinner menu is expected fetch far more as it was never used.

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