August 31, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The CEO of the infidelity website Ashley Madison has left, just over a week after a massive data hack. He left to be CEO of a younger, much hotter infidelity website.

2. Rock band the Maine has begun a 26-city, completely free tour, in which their fans don’t have to pay anything to see them. “Big deal,” said Nickelback, “people have been refusing to pay to see us for years.”

3. Chris Christie said Saturday that if elected president he will track undocumented immigrants like FedEx packages. Which is weird because you’d think his go to tracker analogy would be Domino’s pizza tracker.

4. Presidential candidate Donald Trump has been outspoken lately regarding his Presbyterian faith and his love of the Bible. Although, considering his recent comments about John McCain, you’d think Trump would prefer a savior who didn’t get captured and crucified.

5. President Obama reassured U.S. Jewish groups on Friday that, in light of the Iran nuclear deal, the U.S.-Israel relationship is still strong. Said Israel, “God forbid you should pick up a phone.”

6. Algie, the inflatable pig which famously flew over London in 1976 for Pink Floyd’s “Animals” album cover has been withdrawn from an upcoming auction. So now, if you’re interested in spending money on a pig full of hot air you’ll just have to donate to Trump’s campaign.

7. This week, Taiwan will roll out limited-edition metro cards featuring a popular Japanese porn star. Because, apparently, unlike New York City, not enough people were masturbating on the subway.

8. New York Jets rookie quarterback Bryce Petty caused an uproar amongst Jets fans when he tweeted about eating Domino’s instead of a ‘real’ New York slice. Also weighing in on the issue, Jets starting quarterback Geno Smith who said he preferred his pizza though a straw.

9. Chris Christie said Saturday that if elected president he will track undocumented immigrants like FedEx packages. Which explains Christie’s new nickname, Really Big Brother.

10. A lemonade stand setup by Jerry Seinfeld’s 12-year-old son in East Hampton was shutdown over the weekend by the police after a neighbor called to complain. Said Jerry, “Newman!”

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