August 25, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, it was announced that wildlife conservationist Bindi Irwin will join the cast of “Dancing with the Stars” next season. No word on which star she will be paired with.

2. According to reports, Vice President Joe Biden received President Obama’s “blessing” to make a 2016 bid for the White House. Barack’s exact words were, “Hell, you can have the job right now.”

3. Two Maryland men were arrested yesterday after they attempted to fly a drone into a prison to deliver a cache containing drugs, porn and a handgun. I miss the old days when you had to have sex with an extremely unattractive prison guard to get that type of stuff.

4. Many incoming Duke freshman have refused to read the graphic novel “Fun Home,” which is on their summer reading list, due to its homosexual themes. Although those students seem to be missing the whole point of a summer reading list, you’re not supposed to read those books anyway.

5. According to a new study, babies born early, even slightly premature, are more likely to develop ADHD. Which, makes sense, since they got bored and wanted out of there ASAP.

6. Yesterday, boy-band One Direction announced that they are not breaking up but will be taking a “well earned break” next year. An announcement that left both people who hate and love the band very disappointed.

7. Yesterday, boy-band One Direction announced that they are not breaking up but will be taking a “well earned break” next year. “You may want to reconsider that,” said Joey Fatone, A.J. McLean and all of New Kids on the Block.

8. Rain put a damper on a plan for hundreds of women to go topless at a New Hampshire beach on Sunday in a statement for gender equality, with only two or three dozen showing up. Said the men in attendance, “Oh, was it raining? I didn’t notice.”

9. Apple is recalling a batch of iPhone 6 Plus smartphones that are taking blurry photos. Although, in your case, Karen, you should probably keep yours.

10. Donald Trump says he’ll take donations to his presidential campaigns, but not from lobbyists who will expect something in return. Which is a shame, because the number one thing lobbyists wanted was for Trump go away.

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