August 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Apple is recalling a batch of iPhone 6 Plus smartphones that are taking blurry photos. “I don’t know what you’re talking about, they look fine to me,” said Billy Joel.

2. Kentucky’s Republican Party voted Saturday to move their presidential nominating event from a May primary to a March caucus, a victory for Sen. Rand Paul, who will be able to seek re-election to the Senate while continuing his White House bid. Said the Paul campaign director, “Well, at least we’ll get some use out of these ‘Victory’ banners.”

3. In an interview, NBA hall-of-famer Charles Barkley said he is leaning toward supporting John Kasich in the 2016 presidential race. And, I don’t know if you’ve seen Barkley lately, but once he starts leaning, there’s no righting that ship.

4. Over the weekend, Donald Trump held a pep rally in an Alabama high school football stadium that drew more than 30,000 supporters. Many were excited to see Trump and a high school for the first time.

5. In a recent interview, Donald Trump said he is so popular with voters because he is not a puppet. Said fellow candidate Bobby Jindal, “Neither am I ever since I made that wish to be a ‘real boy.’”

6. Donald Trump told a rally at an Alabama football stadium on Friday that he would crack down on illegal immigration if elected president. Then he also promised to finally catch “those Duke boys.”

7. As of midday Friday, more than 159,000 people had signed a petition for comedian Jon Stewart to be the moderator in an upcoming presidential debate because he has played “an influential and iconic role in covering U.S. politics and media.” “I’ll do it!” said Geraldo.

8. ”Transformers” star Megan Fox on Friday filed for divorce from actor Brian Austin Green after five years of marriage. Marking the first time in history that people are clamoring for a role that Brian Austin Green used to play.

9. Last week, Donald Trump said Jeb Bush is totally out of touch with women’s issues. Adding, “He’s never even once judged a swimsuit or talent portion of a competition.”

10. According to CNN’s new poll, Donald Trump is leading Hilllary Clinton by two percent in Florida. Which is a scary thought, I can’t believe Florida gets a vote.

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