10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. After being outed by the Ashley Madison information dump, Celia Walden, the journalist wife of Piers Morgan, admitting to having an account on the infidelity website by only because she was working on a story about the site’s founder. Although, a more believable excuse would have been that she’s married to Piers Morgan.

2. A fake U.S. presidential candidate named Deez Nuts has stirred a social media frenzy by polling nearly 10 percent of registered North Carolina voters in a hypothetical match-up against Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Which means, as long as Hillary doesn’t win, we will have a President Nuts.

3. In a recent interview, Republican presidential candidate Ben Carson said he is open to using military drone strikes on American soil. Begging the question, does anyone want to win this nomination.

4. A system that uses a wireless brain scanner that reads a movie-goer’s brainwave data has been developed which allows the user to influence what happens on the screen. For instance, everyone who utilized the technology while watching “Pixels” used their brains to turn the movie off.

5. Fans of the panda Bao Bao at the National Zoo are wary of her possible pregnancy because she has faked pregnancy five times before. Said Bao Bao, “What can I say, I like to sit down on the subway.”

6. On Tuesday, the Spanish government condemned a reggae festival’s decision to cancel a concert by a Jewish musician after he refused to clarify his position on Palestinian statehood. Although, you had my support at “condemned a reggae festival.”

7. On Monday, the U.S. State Department said they have identified 305 emails from Hillary Clinton’s private server used while she was secretary of state that may contain classified information. Apparently, just like her husband, Hillary isn’t good at scrubbing things clean.

8. This Friday Paralympic gold medalist and convicted murderer Oscar Pistorius will be released from prison and put under house arrest. No word on what they plan on doing with the ankle monitor.

9. Emirates Airlines has announced it will begin operating the world’s longest regularly scheduled, non-stop flight from Dubai to Panama City lasting 17 hours and 35 minutes. But, since the inflight movie is “Pixels,” it will feel more like 32 hours.

10. According to new research, although the universe continues to expand it is also slowly dying. Just like every customer at McDonald’s.

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