August 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Saturday, Disney announced the creation of two massive Star Wars expansions at its Disneyland and Disney World resorts. Said Star Wars fans, “Can we get a kid’s rate if we still live in our parent’s basement?”

2. Emirates Airlines has announced it will begin operating the world’s longest regularly scheduled, non-stop flight from Dubai to Panama City lasting 17 hours and 35 minutes. But, since the inflight movie is “Pixels,” it will really feel like 32 hours.

3. According to new research, although the universe continues to expand it is also slowly dying. Just like every customer at McDonald’s.

4. Donald Trump on Saturday called Hillary Clinton’s use of a private email server while at the State Department “a criminal problem.” Which, compared to his recent comments about women, is basically a compliment.

5. Donald Trump said Saturday that he’s prepared to spend $1 billion on his campaign if necessary. While fellow Republican candidate Rick Perry wants to know if he can crash on your couch for a bit.

6. In a recent interview, Chicago Cubs manager Joe Madden said he has not changed his socks during his team’s current nine-game winning streak. As a result, the players are considering throwing a game due to the smell.

7. A mother in Pennsylvania has caused a controversy after she posted a picture on social media of her breastfeeding her 15-month-old son and his friend. Even worse, his friend was a 47-year-old drifter.

8. A man in Australia is recovering after receiving 100 stitches on his penis when he was bitten by his dog during a game of fetch. But, on the plus-side, 100 stitches is pretty impressive.

9. Advisors close to Vice President Joe Biden are telling him he needs to decide whether he will run for president in 2016 by October 1st. Which will leave Biden just a month to decide what he wants to be for Halloween.

10. MMA fighter Kinberly Novaes found out that she was 12 weeks pregnant when she fought Renata Balden back in May. But, this is the type of thing that’ll happen when you defund to Planned Parenthood.

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