August 12, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Authorities in Bangladesh killed six tiger poachers over the weekend during a shootout in a national park. Yeah, turns out hunting is much harder when the other party has guns too.

2. On Tuesday, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker criticized fellow Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump by claiming the billionaire is using Democratic talking points. Trump responded by calling Walker’s wife ugly.

3. On Tuesday, New Jersey voted to expand its black bear hunting season. And, in unrelated news, George Zimmerman has moved to New Jersey.

4. A new prescription pill has hit the market designed to help blind people sleep at night and stay awake during the day. Begging the question, do they still print the instructions on that bottle?

5. Kim Kardashian posed for a selfie with Hillary Clinton over the weekend. Said Bill, “Well, there’s at least one picture of Kim I can’t masturbate to.”

6. Kim Kardashian celebrating passing 42 million followers on Instagram by posing a close-up picture of her cleavage. So lets all hope and pray that Chris Christie never hits 42 million followers.

7. The website Pornhub has found that women most often search for lesbian porn. The study was conducted by boyfriends trying to convince their girlfriends to have a threesome.

8. A new study has found that the number one cause of divorce in America is arguing about money. While the number two cause is Larry King.

9. In the midst of Alabama’s struggles to pass a budget, State Senator Paul Sanford has launched a GoFundMe campaign to “Fund the Alabama State Government” with $300 million. Although, if someone in the state has that kind of money don’t you think they would have used it to move out of Alabama?

10. Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders drew over 20,000 people to a campaign stop in Portland, Oregon this week. As a result, his campaign is no longer accepting donations in the form of hemp bracelets, they are all set in that department.

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