August 11, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Donald Trump said Monday that FoxNews anchor and debate moderator Megan Kelly should be the one apologizing to him, and not the other way around. Said Kelly, “The only person I’ll say ‘I’m sorry’ to is Melania.”

2. A White House staffer was arrested on Friday on charges of assault and reckless endangerment after allegedly shooting at a Capitol Hill police officer with whom she wad been having sex. “White House staffers have guns now!?!” said Bill Clinton.

3. Actress Melissa Gilbert, who rose to fame playing Laura Ingalls Wilder on “Little House on the Prairie,” announced on Monday she is running for Congress. Gilbert said she hopes her campaign will shed a light on the plight of the working class and finally get people to stop calling her Darlene.

4. National Nurses United, a 185,000-person strong union, endorsed Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders on Monday. Said Sanders, “It was tedious, but turning my head a coughing 185,000 times was worth it.”

5. According to an NBC News report released on Monday, Chinese hackers have been accessing the private emails of top U.S. officials since April 2010. As a result, the U.S. government has condemned the Chinese and asked for copies of Hillary Clinton’s emails.

6. When asked what he would do to fight ISIS, Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said yesterday on MSNBC that he “would knock the hell out of them but [he’d] put a ring around it and take the oil for our country.” “And, there’s no bigger threat from Trump than putting ring on it,” said Melania.

7. The NFL signed a deal with Twitter yesterday to deliver NFL content to fans on a daily basis. “Yeah, we were already doing that,” said police blotters across the country.

8. According to a new study, people who like fried foods, sweet tea and other foods synonymous with the South may be at an increased risk of heart attack and death. And, in related news, scientists have run out of things to study.

9. On Tuesday, Japan restarted one of its nuclear reactors for the first time since new safety requirements were introduced following the 2011 Fukushima nuclear accident. Said the official in charge, “This is a big accomplishment and we should all give our selves a pat on the back, which we can easily do since there are arms growing out of our backs now.”

10. A Japanese engineer has developed a portable transporter small enough to be carried in a backpack that he says is the world’s first ‘car in a bag.’ That story again, a Japanese engineer has developed a skateboard.

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