August 5, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, Donald Trump said he believes Republicans should shut down the government rather than fund Planned Parenthood. Which is ironic, because I can think of no better argument for Planned Parenthood than the existence of Donald Trump.

2. A New Jersey woman who claims she has drank three beers and a shot of whiskey every day for the past 70 years turned 110 yesterday. While her liver turned 300.

3. Country singer Reba McEntire and her husband, Narvel Blackstock, announced Monday that they are filing for divorce after 26 years of marriage. McEntire said she will focus on writing new music while Narvel Blackstock will focus on his upcoming role as the villain in the next James Bond movie.

4. On Wednesday, scientists found that using an oral contraceptive, like ‘the pill,’ gives long-term protection against womb cancer and the longer it is used the greater the reduction in risk. Thus, making “womb cancer” my new favorite slang term for a baby.

5. On Tuesday, researchers said that a diet rich in green leafy vegetables, beans, berries, whole grains and wine can help to slow normal brain aging and cognitive decline. “Well, one outta five ain’t bad,” said Billy Joel.

6. A new survey found that Brigham Young University is the most sober college in the U.S. And, in unrelated news, Bill Cosby has cancelled all his upcoming gigs at BYU.

7. Yesterday, while performing in Sweden, rocker Lenny Kravitz split his pants exposing his penis. So, the answer to “Are you gonna go my way?” is “Yes and apparently the way leans a little bit to the left.”

8. The Delta Sigma Theta sorority held its national convention in Houston over the weekend and caused three hours of flight delays after the 13,000 attendees were given thick black books that TSA officials said could be mistaken for explosives. Or, more likely, TSA agents have never seen a book before.

9. Researchers in Finland found that becoming a father before the age of 25 is linked to a higher chance of dying in middle age. So, for the first time ever, Kevin Federline has exceeded expectations.

10. The Mormon Church released photographs on Tuesday of a so-called “seer stone” that members believe was used by founder Joseph Smith to write the Book of Mormon. Said the Church, “For all those people who believe our religion is bullshit, here’s a picture of some stones.”

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