August 4, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Soccer star Cristiano Ronaldo, who served as the best man at his friend’s wedding, bought the couple a Greek island as a wedding present. Said one of the groomsmen, “You’re gonna need to toaster on that island.”

2. A new study has found that children who are picky eaters may develop psychological problems, like anxiety and ADHD, later in life. Or maybe you’re just a shitty cook.

3. UFC champion Ronda Rousey will star in a movie based on her autobiography. “A movie about beating up girls, I hope it’s in 3D,” said Chris Brown.

4. Tomorrow, a one-legged chicken in Massachusetts will be fitted with a $2,500 prosthetic limb made by a 3D printer. “Hold On! Slow down. Where are these chicken printers?” said Chris Christie.

5. Actor Will Smith took to social media on Monday to shoot down reports that he and his wife Jada Pinkett Smith are getting a divorce. Said Smith, “If our marriage can survivor ‘After Earth,’ it can survive anything.”

6. On Monday, a government official in India said the country has blocked access to hundreds of adult websites to prevent pornography from becoming a social nuisance. That story again, India no longer has the internet.

7. HitchBOT, a hitch-hiking robot that had already successfully hitched across Europe, was unable to complete his trip across the U.S. when, just two weeks into the journey, he was vandalized and left for ‘dead’ in Philadelphia. Said the city of brotherly love, “We have a reputation to keep up.”

8. Officials at an Italian airport seized $205,933 from rapper Snoop Dogg because he failed to declare the sum of money. Said Snoop, “The plan worked perfectly, they didn’t even notice the five pounds of weed in my other duffel bag.”

9. According to a new study, senior citizens who value and engage in sexual activity have better social lives and psychological well-beings. Which may explain why that slut Betty White is still so sharp.

10. A pre-Civil War baseball card fetched $179,250 at auction on Friday. Said the winner’s the mom, “Oh, this looks like garbage.”

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