August 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Friday, her personal physician said democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton is healthy and “fit to serve” with no lingering effects from a 2012 concussion. Begging the question, when did Trump suffer his concussion, because it seems to be lingering.

2. The social security and credit card numbers of up to 6,000 University of Connecticut students have been stolen by cyberhackers in China. Suspicions were aroused when those students’ parents received their credit card statements and saw that there were charges for books.

3. Nancy Lieberman became the second female assistant coach to join a professional basketball staff when she was hired by the Sacramento Kings on Friday. Which is great news for Lieberman and even better news for the Kings that they are still considered a professional basketball team.

4. A team of researchers have discovered a new species of wolf, christened the African golden wolf. Scientists describe the animal as slender with a short-muzzle while a dentist in Minneapolis describes it as “extremely shootable.”

5. Addressing Donald Trump’s longevity as a presidential candidate, New Jersey Governor Chris Christie said, “Anybody can do well for a month.” “I beg to differ,” said Christie’s nutritionist.

6. On Sunday, Donald Trump’s presidential campaign fired a staffer after racially charged Facebook posts under his name came to light. Which is like the pot calling the kettle a dirty Mexican.

7. A few days ahead of the first Republican presidential debate, Donald Trump downplayed expectations by saying “I’m not a debater.” Which is true because a debater typically shuts-up to let his opponent get a word in periodically.

8. Authorities are investigating two Chinese liquor distillers who are being accused of adding Viagra to their products. “No, you’re doing it all wrong,” said Cosby.

9. A new electronic voting system adopted by the International Olympic Committee to decide the host nation of the 2022 Winter Olympics failed on Friday during the voting process. Officials knew there was a problem when 32% of the vote went to Pat Buchanan

10. Bad weather and a broken speaker disrupted the synchronized swimming world championships on Saturday. Even worse, once the problems were fixed, the competition began again.

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