July 31, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to repots, the waters in Rio de Janeiro where Olympians will compete in swimming events during next year’s summer games are rife with human sewage. So advantage athletes from New Jersey.

2. According to a new poll, likely Democratic runner-up Bernie Sanders would beat Republican frontrunner Donald Trump if the general presidential election were held today. No word on whether the flying pigs would be allowed to vote as well.

3. EuroDisney in Paris is being accused of over-charging Germans, sometimes double the normal ticket prices, to get into the park. Even more infuriating for those Germans, once they got inside the park, it was filled with children’s laughter.

4. A brown and black-haired cat has been renamed “Lucky” after surviving while being trapped underwater for at least an hour inside a sunken powerboat in Arizona. “How much to shoot that cat?” said a Minneapolis dentist.

5. On Thursday, HBO said its most-watched series “Game of Thrones” will likely run for only three more seasons. Because, by then, they’ll have run out of actors in Hollywood to play new parts.

6. The new Windows 10 operating system includes a feature called WiFi Sense that allows users to automatically log their friends into their WiFi network without having to give them their password. “Well, my life just became a lot easier,” said your neighbor.

7. This week, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would love to have Sarah Palin in his administration because she “is someone who knows what’s happening.” But don’t you dare ask her what she’s reading to find out what’s happening.

8. A teenage couple won $20,000 in scholarship money for making their prom outfits completely out of duct tape. Now comes the hard part, finding a college that will accept those idiots.

9. According to sources, Mullah Akhtar Mohammad Mansur was unanimously voted to become the new leader of the Taliban. And, say what you will about the Taliban, their elections are efficient. Meanwhile, we’re stuck with another 15 months of Trump.

10. The Financial Times reported that ride hailing service Uber is set to invest $1 billion in India. They reportedly got the idea by looking at any New York City taxi driver.

11. According to a new study, odds are against obese men and women ever returning to a healthy weight. You can read more about it in this month’s Medical Journal of Excuses.

12. The mafia museum in Las Vegas is set to open a new exhibit exploring corruption at FIFA, soccer’s scandal-plagued governing body. So if you thought soccer was boring before, wait til you see it in museum-form.

13. George Washington University has become the largest and most prestigious college to make standardized tests, like the SAT, optional for applicants. Said prospective freshmen, “That’s a great decision and, if I every meet him, I’d shake Mr. Washington’s hand.”

14. Donald Trump said he is self-financing his presidential campaign. Apparently, he wants to make his investments in those bankrupt Atlantic City casinos look good in comparison.

15. On Monday, while in Ethiopia, President Obama met ‘Lucy,’ a 3.2 million-year-old partial skeleton. Or, as FoxNews reported it, “Two people who lack a backbone met.”

16. Three men in Florida are recovering after being struck by lightning at America’s largest public nude beach. And, in a related story, I now believe in God.

17. Over the weekend, President Obama dined with his step-grandmother, his sister and other extended family members after arriving in Kenya for his first official presidential visit to the country. The family dog was also present “for dinner.”

18. Last week, the Winklevoss twins filed paperwork to operate a bitcoin exchange in New York. “That’s not a bad idea,” said Mark Zuckerberg.

19. Over the weekend, three-time world champion surfer Mick Fanning returned to the water for the first time since surviving a shark attack during a competition last week. Even more impressive, Fanning was able to balance himself on his surfboard despite his gigantic balls.

20. According to leaked emails, Sony made changes to the new Adam Sandler movie “Pixels” so it was more palatable to audiences in China. The Chinese version of the film is the opening title immediately followed by the closing credits.

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