July 29, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Los Angeles home of actor Rob Schneider was burglarized Monday night, with the intruders making off with a 1951 Willie Mays baseball card valued at $175,000. Hopefully the burglars also made off with all drafts of any future Deuce Bigelow movies.

2. The Los Angeles home of actor Rob Schneider was burglarized Monday night, with the intruders making off with a 1951 Willie Mays baseball card valued at $175,000. Which can only mean one thing, Adam Sandler bought Rob Schneider a 1951 Willie Mays baseball card.

3. In an interview on the Sarah Palin radio network, presidential candidate Donald Trump said he would consider having the former Alaska governor in an official capacity in a Trump administration. “Trump/Palin! I’ll print up the signs,” said Hillary.

4. George Washington University has become the largest and most prestigious college to make standardized tests, like the SAT, optional for applicants. So now diploma is to George Washington University as greek currency is to the world.

5. On Tuesday, President Obama said he is confident if he could run for a third term he would win. Or, as it was reported on FoxNews, Obama threatens to rewrite the Constitution.

6. A top advisor to Donald Trump apologized on Tuesday for making “inarticulate” comments on the subject of marital rape. Although you can tell he’s not that really a top Trump advisor since he thought it would be a good idea to apologize.

7. On Tuesday, the Arizona Cardinals made history by hiring the first female coach in NFL history. Begging the question, if that’s true, who’s been teaching the Jets quarterbacks to throw these past few years?

8. In response to old allegations made by Ivana Trump, a top advisor to Donald Trump said you can’t rape your wife. “That’s outrageous! No one tells me who I can and cannot rape,” said Bill Cosby.

9. In an interview, Russian President Vladimir Putin said embattled FIFA head Sepp Blatter deserves a Nobel Prize. More specifically, President Obama’s Nobel Prize.

10. In a recent study, North Korea was named the worst place to be a Christian. Although, they could have left out the ‘a Christian’ part and it still would have been accurate.

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