July 27, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. After the premiere of “Sharknado 3” last week, the SyFy network confirmed that there will be a “Sharknado 4.” “Yay! Another day of work,” said the writers.

2. Last week, Senator Marco Rubio said that Donald Trump’s campaign has not conducted itself in a “dignified way.” Trump responded by calling Rubio’s mother a whore.

3. Three man in Florida are recovering after being struck by lightning at America’s largest public nude beach. Unsurprisingly, seeing three guys get hit by lightning was not even close to the most disturbing thing most beachgoers saw that day.

4. In a recent interview, actor Tom Cruise said he would be open to reprising his 1980s role as U.S. Navy pilot Maverick in a possible sequel to “Top Gun.” “Can we make it a prequel?” said Goose.

5. New Jersey Governor Chris Christie on Friday blamed Amtrak for a week of nightmarish commutes to and from New York. Although, isn’t every trip from New York to New Jersey a nightmare?

6. Fiat Chrysler will recall 1.4 million vehicles to install security software to prevent hackers from gaining remote control of the engine and steering capabilities. Up until this point, the most effective security Fiat had against criminals was being a Fiat.

7. The Electronic Sports League, a competitive video-gaming organization, will begin testing players for performance enhancing drugs next month. Competitors will be suspended if no traces of pot are found in their system.

8. Radio host Colin Cowherd will no longer appear on ESPN following insensitive remarks he made about baseball players from the Dominican Republic. Now, the best place to catch Cowherd is on ESPN Deportes being hung in effigy.

9. On Sunday, cyclist Chris Froome clinched his second Tour de France title in three years. So congratulations to Froome and whoever provided him with clean urine.

10. Sony has signed a near seven figure deal to make a movie about emojis. The only question is will Adam Sandler or Johnny Depp star in it?

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