July 24, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton on Thursday said a two-state solution for Israel and the Palestinians was the only resolution to the conflict there. Hillary said she got the idea from her and Bill’s two-bed solution.

2. Yesterday, NASA’s Kepler spacecraft discovered a new planet so similar to our own that scientists are calling it Earth’s cousin. Or, as southern scientists are calling it, Earth’s wife.

3. U.S. Secretary of State John Kerry on Thursday defended the Iran nuclear deal against its critics, saying it would be fantasy to think the United States could simply “bomb away” Tehran’s atomic know-how. Agreed, because if we learned anything from Japan it’s that it will take at least two bombs.

4. On Thursday, presidential candidate Donald Trump said, “I think I’ll win the Hispanic vote [because] over the years, thousands and thousands of Hispanics have worked for me.” Cause, you know how everyone loves their boss, right?

5. Yesterday, the White House said side deals between Iran and IAEA will not affect the nuclear agreement reached between the U.S. and Iran. Said Vice President Joe Biden, “Any deal we make trumps any deal made with a furniture company.”

6. According to a new poll, neither Bill Clinton, George Clooney, Michelle Obama, nor Oprah Winfrey would come close to challenging the stranglehold Hillary Clinton currently has on the Democratic presidential nomination. The fact that polling companies are so bored that they’re coming up with hypothetical rivals does not bode well for the chances of real candidates like Bernie Sanders and Lincoln Chafee.

7. A new study found that people were more likely to have mental health issues if they had toxic relationships with co-workers than if they were on friendly terms with colleagues. Which leads to a real chicken-or-the-egg conundrum for the people who work in Congress.

8. On Thursday, it was announced that Angeline Jolie will adapt a Cambodian author’s war memoir into a feature-length film for Netflix. Jolie agreed to the project after mishearing the word ‘adapt.’

9. A person shot a dog in Milwaukee yesterday amid reports of a lion on the loose. That story again, a guy in Milwaukee shot a dog and has a pretty bad excuse.

10. This week, Donald Trump’s kids released a statement calling their father “a true visionary and mentor.” And, by mentor, I assume they mean they intend to follow in their father’s footsteps, inherit their daddy’s money and pretend like they earned it.

11. This week, Donald Trump’s kids released a statement calling their father “a true visionary and mentor.” And you can tell that he was their mentor because they released a statement no one asked for, desperately hoping the media would pay attention to them.

12. A 69-year-old Florida man was arrested on Sunday for threatening his teenage step-grandson with a machete after his chihuahua pooped on the couch. That story again, Florida.

13. This week Republican presidential candidate Rick Perry compared fellow-candidate Donald Trump to cancer. So. now we just sit back and wait to see what crazy thing Trump does to Perry in retaliation.

14. This week, the White House launched a Twitter account named “Ask the Iran Deal” to answer any questions people have about the new nuclear agreement. You know, because 140 characters should be more than enough to explain an extremely complex deal that took over 20 months to negotiate.

15. In a recently released deposition from a 10-year-old sexual assault case, comedian Bill Cosby said he was good at reading nonverbal clues that showed a woman was consenting to sex. And, even better at making those women nonverbal.

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