July 23, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. According to a new study, the average donation to Democrat Hillary Clinton’s presidential campaign is $145. Of which, on average, $100 is immediately donated to the presidential campaign of Donald Trump.

2. On Wednesday, Ferguson, Missouri named Andre Anderson its interim police chief. Anderson had the two qualities city officials were looking for, someone who is up for a challenge and hasn’t watched the news for a long time.

3. According to a new study, the number of teenagers having sex in the U.S. is at it lowest in the past 25 years. Which can only mean one thing, Bill Cosby is out of quaaludes.

4. According to a new study, Bill and Melinda Gates are the world’s wealthiest couple. That story again, the richest man in the world married a woman named Melinda.

5. A new study suggests, first-time mothers who have had a miscarriage or abortion early in a previous pregnancy may face an increased risk of complications during delivery. Especially if the abortion didn’t take.

6. On Wednesday, the NBA announced that the Orlando Magic will play a regular season game in London, marking the first time the Magic will return to England in over twenty years. Yet, there is still no word on when professional basketball will return to Philadelphia.

7. England’s Natural History Museum announced on Wednesday that its famous cast of a Diplodocus dinosaur, which lived millions of years ago, will go on tour throughout the U.K. in 2018. It’s a great backup plan for those who were unable to get tickets to see the Rolling Stones.

8. Campaign documents show that Democratic presidential candidate Bernie Sanders has spent zero dollars on polling. Which is kinda like when you refuse to go to the doctor to avoid hearing bad news.

9. A former Iowa lottery official was found guilty of rigging a computer-based lotto game so he could win a $14 million jackpot. But, on the plus-side, he’s now the front-runner to take over for Sepp Blatter.

10. A new study found that women prefer penises that meet certain beauty standards. Luckily, for most men, they have been moisturizing their penises once a day for years, sometimes twice if “Baywatch” reruns are on.

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