July 22, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. A surfing competition in South Africa was cancelled after a shark attacked one of the competitors. Begging the question, how can we get sharks to WNBA games?

2. On Tuesday, Ohio Governor John Kasich announced his candidacy for president, becoming the 16th Republican candidate in a already crowded field. Which means, in many historically red states, like Alabama and Mississippi, the Republican primary ballot will be the longest thing voters have ever read.

3. An anti-abortion group on Tuesday released a second video it said showed that Planned Parenthood sells aborted fetal tissue, repeating allegations raised last week when the first such video surfaced. Two videos? Man, you’d think Planned Parenthood would be much better at getting rid of things.

4. On Tuesday, running back Adrian Peterson and the Minnesota Vikings “mutually agreed” to restructure the final three years of his contract so that he can retire as a Viking. Peterson said he was happy the two sides were able to find common ground and that he didn’t have to resort to “taking off his belt.”

5. A Pennsylvania couple has launched RentTheChicken.com, a website that allows consumers to rent chickens in response to soaring U.S. egg prices. Because what could go wrong by renting chickens to cost-conscience, hungry people?

6. Some security workers and baggage handlers at New York’s JFK and LaGuardia airports plan to strike starting tonight. Leaving travelers with the impossible choice of enduring even longer lines and delays at those airports or going to Newark.

7. Billionaire investor Warren Buffett said on Tuesday that media reports that he and Italian real estate agent Alessandro Proto together purchased the island of St Thomas are “a total fabrication.” Saying, “I don’t need that asshole to by an island. I’m Warren fucking Buffett!”

8. The U.S. math team last week won the International Math Olympiad for the first time in 21 years. Which can only mean one thing, it was the first time in 21 years the U.S. math team sat next to the Chinese math team.

9. Speaking in front of hundreds at a rally in South Carolina on Tuesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s private cell phone number. Graham knew something was amiss when he started getting pictures of dicks he didn’t recognize.

10. Speaking in front of hundreds at a rally in South Carolina on Tuesday, presidential candidate Donald Trump gave out Senator Lindsey Graham’s private cell phone number. Which means Graham has learned the lesson all 20-something-year-old woman in New York already know, never give your number to Trump.

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