July 21, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. On Monday, gold prices plunged more than 4 percent to a new five-year low. As a result, King Midas has gone back to stripping.

2. Last week, Intuit, the makers of TurboTax, told users they have until today to retrieve their 2014 taxes from the company’s servers before they are deleted forever. “Which means, after today, I’ll have a semi-believable excuse,” said Wesley Snipes.

3. On Monday, FIFA president Sepp Blatter was showered with fake paper money by a British comedian, delaying the start of a press conference. Those in attendance were disappointed by the delay, but not as disappointed as Blatter when he found out the money was fake.

4. Michel Platini has been installed by British book makers as the favorite to take over FIFA in the wake of former president Sepp Blatter’s corruption scandal. “I’ll take some of that action,” said Blatter.

5. Yesterday, MTV announced that singer Miley Cyrus will host this year’s Video Music Awards. “They’re still holding those awards, MTV told me they canceled them years ago,” said Miley’s dad Billy Ray.

6. A New Delhi start-up has developed the Pee Buddy, a single use funnel, made out of waterproof cardboard, which allows women to urinate without having to squat on a dirty toilet seat and risk infection. “Single use? Seems like a shame to throw those things away,” said R Kelly.

7. On Monday, hackers threatened to release the personal data of the more than 37 million subscribers to Ashley Madison, an online dating website that helps married individuals cheat on their spouses. And, in unrelated news, yesterday saw records sales in the flower shop industry.

8. On Monday, hackers threatened to release the personal data of the more than 37 million subscribers to Ashley Madison, an online dating website that helps married individuals cheat on their spouses. “That doesn’t affect me much,” said Tiger Woods, “as I’ve already been through those 37 million.”

9. A new study suggests black Americans are more likely to suffer sudden cardiac arrest than their white counterparts. No word on whether that is before or after the cop shoots them.

10. A day after a rainout, the Los Angeles Angels utilized a police helicopter to dry the field before Monday’s doubleheader against the Red Sox. The plan worked, but there was an awkward moment when the police chopper initially descended upon the field and the Angel’s bullpen yelled “Federales!” and scattered.

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