July 20, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The New York Times reported on Saturday, in an old deposition, Bill Cosby said he had sexual relationships with at least five women and tried to hide the affairs from his wife. And, apparently, also the women.

2. According to Forbes, golfer Tiger Woods is the most overpaid athlete in the world. Upon hearing this, the Knicks immediately signed him to a 10-year contract.

3. Presidential candidate Donald Trump caused a firestorm over the weekend when he said Senator and Vietnam vet John McCain was not a war hero, adding “I like people that weren’t captured.” Which explains why Trump doesn’t like Mexicans, he prefers to dig his own holes.

4. Supporters of the Ku Klux Klan and the Black Panthers clashed outside the South Carolina Capitol on Saturday. But, on the plus-side, at least South Carolina is back to normal.

5. Cyclist Chris Froome claims a spectator threw a cup of urine at him and yelled “doper” during Stage 14 of the Tour de France. But, maybe that was just a concerned fan trying to help him pass his next drug test.

6. Cyclist Chris Froome claims a spectator threw a cup of urine at him and yelled “doper” during Stage 14 of the Tour de France. Which serves as a lesson to all other riders to be more specific when you say your goal is to get the yellow jersey.

7. According to a new study, African American women experience higher job dissatisfaction. Maybe that’s because all the good jobs for women of color are going to Tyler Perry.

8. German Vice Chancellor Sigmar Gabriel urged Iran at the start of a three-day visit to improve its relationship with Israel if it wanted to establish closer economic ties with western powers. And you know you fucked up when Germany is lecturing you on being nicer to Israel.

9. Last week, Disney announced they are making a prequel to the animated classic “Aladdin.” It’s just two hours of the princess forcing Aladdin to go antique shopping and, at the end, they buy a lamp.

10. An L.A.-based fitness trainer claims that lifting items with her vagina has improved her sex life. And also ruined those items.

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