1. When asked on Thursday her opinion of the Iran nuclear deal, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Clinton said she does not trust the Iranians. Which can only mean on thing, she will marry the Iranians.
2. In a recent interview, singer Justin Bieber said he graduated high school with a 4.0 GPA. Which can only mean one thing, he didn’t have to take a music appreciation class.
3. President Obama became the first sitting president to tour a federal prison on Thursday. Although, if he got the real prison experience, he won’t be a ‘sitting’ president any time soon.
4. Three armed men broke into the Los Angeles home of singer Chris Brown on Wednesday, ordering a woman staying at the residence into a closet and taking cash and electronics. Luckily, since the woman was friends with Brown, she was used to that kind of treatment.
5. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday his net worth has risen to more than $10 billion. “Duly noted,” said Melania’s lawyers.
6. Yesterday, Walt Disney announced that it will open its first ever theme park in China come spring 2016. Much like in the U.S., the souvenir shop filled with Disney merchandise will remind Chinese visitors of their childhood, but for vastly different reasons.
7. A woman in Oklahoma was arrested last week for pulling a knife on a group of teens in a Taco Bell. Begging the question, what was Michelle Obama doing in Oklahoma?
8. Last week a man in Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly flying across the country to have sex with a horse. Said the man, “Oh, come on! That stud fee is nonrefundable.”
9. The Swiss attorney general’s office said on Sunday it has collected 81 reports of suspicious financial activity linked to FIFA’s decision to let Russia and Qatar host upcoming World Cup tournaments. “81 reports isn’t that many,” said Camille Cosby.
10. Republican presidential hopeful Donald Trump met in Los Angeles on Friday with families whose loved ones were killed by undocumented immigrants. Because, apparently, those families haven’t already suffered enough.