July 16, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Three armed men broke into the Los Angeles home of singer Chris Brown on Wednesday, ordering a woman staying at the residence into a closet and taking cash and electronics. Luckily, since the woman was friends with Brown, she was used to that kind of treatment.

2. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump said on Wednesday his net worth has risen to more than $10 billion. “Duly noted,” said Melania’s lawyers.

3. Under a new bill, cheerleaders for pro sports in California will be classified as employees and eligible for benefits such as sick pay. Which is good, because if you’re forced to watch every Oakland Raiders game, you’re gonna need some sick days to recover.

4. Yesterday, Walt Disney announced that it will open its first ever theme park in China come spring 2016. Much like in the U.S., the souvenir shop filled with Disney merchandise will remind Chinese visitors of their childhood, but for vastly different reasons.

5. Research suggests smartphone apps that track how much a person drinks could curb binge drinking and reduce alcoholism rates. Said one such user, “I lost my phone again? HAS ANYONE IN THIS BAR SEEN MY PHONE?”

6. Photos have surfaced showing recently-escaped Mexican drug lord El Chapo drinking a beer and flying a plane. “You’re hired,” said Malaysian Airlines.

7. President Obama said on Wednesday that there is no precedent for revoking the U.S. Medal of Freedom given to comedian Bill Cosby. Which comes as great news to other Medal recipients who were on the fence about raping people.

8. Over the past few weeks, hundreds of dildos have been discovered dangling from telephone lines throughout the city of Portland. Said one very horny woman, “If you have a better way to dry them I’d love to hear it.”

9. Over the past few weeks, hundreds of dildos have been discovered dangling from telephone lines throughout the city of Portland. So at least they’ll be prepared when those 15 dildos show up for the Oregon Republican primaries.

10. In a recent interview with “Rolling Stone,” singer Tom Petty apologized for using the Confederate flag as a backdrop for his Southern Accent tour in 1985. While Limp Bizkit apologized for touring.

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