July 15, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Street artist Shepard Fairey, who created the iconic Obama “Hope” poster, turned himself into police on Tuesday on charges he defaced several properties in Detroit. Begging the question, how could you tell?

2. Portland International Airport is now allowing passengers flying to destinations within the state of Oregon to carry marijuana on the plane. It really eases the blow of landing and realizing you’re still in Oregon.

3. A woman in Oklahoma was arrested last week for pulling a knife on a group of teens in a Taco Bell. Begging the question, what was Michelle Obama doing in Oklahoma?

4. A woman in Oklahoma was arrested last week for pulling a knife on a group of teens in a Taco Bell. So, for once, the food was not responsible for people shitting themselves in a Taco Bell.

5. Last week a man in Pennsylvania was arrested for allegedly flying across the country to have sex with a horse. Said the man, “Oh, come one! That stud fee is nonrefundable.”

6. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign on Tuesday inadvertently tweeted a photo of what appeared to be Nazi soldiers superimposed on the U.S. flag along the billionaire’s face. “This is obviously a mistake, we would never be associated with such a closed minded and ignorant endeavor,” said Nazis.

7. Republican presidential candidate Donald Trump’s campaign on Tuesday inadvertently tweeted a photo of what appeared to be Nazi soldiers superimposed on the U.S. flag along the billionaire’s face. “That gives us an idea,” said the people of South Carolina.

8. The Oklahoma Republican party on Tuesday removed a Facebook post that compared people who receive food stamps to wild animals after it set off a social media storm. Said the Republican party, “Our post was misinterpreted, all we were saying was we would like to hunt poor people for sport.”

9. Yesterday, Starbucks signed a deal to open its first ever store in sub-Sahara Africa. And you thought they had a hard time getting your name right.

10. According to a poll released on Tuesday, Donald Trump leads the field of Republican presidential candidates, garnering 17% of the vote. You people know these polls can’t tell when you vote sarcastically, right?

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