10 Best Jokes of the Week (as decided by me, I don’t care about your opinion)

1. Last week, the White House state dining room was redecorated for the first time since the Clinton Administration. Bill Clinton changed the room because he didn’t like that the carpet matched the curtains, saying, “I prefer no carpet at all.”

2. While performing in a play Wednesday night, Tony-winning actress Patti LuPone grabbed a cell phone from an audience member who was busy typing on the device. To add insult to injury, when LuPone looked at the phone she saw the audience member was googling “Who the fuck is Patti LuPone?”

3. Republican Donald Trump on Wednesday said he would win the Latino vote if he gets his party’s nomination. Said Trump, “Murderers and rapists love me.”

4. A 108-year-old woman is set to throw out the first pitch at the Seattle Mariners game this Saturday. Said the woman, “Buy me some peanuts and crackerjacks, because, statistically speaking, odds are I’m not coming back.”

5. Tuesday night, a bronze bust of comedian Bill Cosby was removed from the Walt Disney World theme park in Florida. Turns out it was a bad idea to put his statue right next to Sleeping Beauty’s.

6. For the first time since being completely wiped out in 1994, lions have been reintroduced into the wild of Rwanda. Because, apparently, the people of Rwanda didn’t have enough to worry about already.

7. On Tuesday, celebrity chef Paula Deen tweeted out and then immediately deleted a picture of her standing next to her son who was dressed in blackface. Even worse, Deen originally posted the photo to prove that she had a black friend.

8. Over the weekend, singer Billy Joel, 66, married long-time girlfriend, Alexis Roderick, 34. Roderick is hoping that not only the good die young.

9. On Monday, Susannah Mushatt Jones of Alabama, the world’s oldest person, turned 116. Jones was born in 1899 and has seen a lot of change in her lifetime, except for in South Carolina.

10. Today Hillary Clinton will give the first nationally televised interview of her presidential campaign. To see the interview in its entirety, tune into CNN, and to see clips taken wildly out of context, tune into FoxNews.

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