July 9, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Tuesday night, a bronze bust of comedian Bill Cosby was removed from the Walt Disney World theme park in Florida. Turns out it was a bad idea to put his statue right next to Sleeping Beauty’s.

2. For the first time since being completely wiped out in 1994, lions have been reintroduced into the wild of Rwanda. Because, apparently, the people of Rwanda didn’t have enough to worry about.

3. According to a newly released report, four out of 28 boxes of childrens’ crayons tested positive for asbestos. “So you’re telling me I need to buy at least seven boxes of crayons?” said Casey Anthony.

4. According to reports, New York Giants defensive end Jason Pierre-Paul had his right index finger amputated on Wednesday after a fireworks accident. While the entire roster of the New York Jets had their ring fingers removes as they have absolutely no need for that finger.

5. An exhibit tracing the history of sneakers opened at the Brooklyn museum on Friday. And, to make the experience more authentic, every tour will be lead by a small, Chinese kid.

6. Actor Tom Selleck is accused by a California agency of unlawfully taking water from a public hydrant to water his ranch while the state is in the middle of a devastating drought. The agency also charged Selleck’s “Three Men and a Baby” co-star Steve Guttenberg with the same violation, but Guttenberg was using the water to bath and drink.

7. Yesterday, on a flight to Bolivia, Pope Francis drank a tea made from coca leaves to ward off altitude sickness. So just to be clear, I can’t bring a bottle of water on a plane, but the Pope can do cocaine? I don’t remember that part of the Bible.

8. Republican Donald Trump on Wednesday said he would win the Latino vote if he gets his party’s nomination claiming he has “a great relationship with the Mexican people.” Said Trump, “Constantly being called an ‘estupido pendejo’ is a good thing, right?”

9. The Kremlin accused Hillary Clinton on Wednesday of making unfounded remarks by including Russia in a list of countries who support hacking. “That’s ridiculous,” said the head of the Kremlin, Evgeny Snowden.

10. On-demand cleaning company Handy was sued this week by a worker arguing she should be classified as an employee not an independent contractor. Although, maybe you should reconsider fighting for the right to say you work for a Handy.

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