July 3, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. The Oklahoma Supreme Court ruled Tuesday that the state must remove a granite monument of the Ten Commandments from the lawn of its capitol building. Said one state senator, “Looks like my neighbor’s wife is fair game now.”

2. According to the Beijing Times, about 2,000 kilometers, or 30% of the Great Wall of China has disappeared due to natural erosion and human damage. “Now’s the time to strike” said the Mongolians.

3. Presidential contender Rick Perry urged his fellow Republicans on Thursday to work harder to win black votes. Adding, “Because it looks like this whole 15th Amendment thing is here to stay.”

4. According to reports, Wisconsin Governor Scott Walker will announce his candidacy for the Republican presidential nomination on July 13th, making him the 14th Republican candidate. Begging the question, if they’re busy running for president, who’s not running Congress?

5. The Rolling Stones will put on their first major exhibition looking back at their more than 50 years in music at a London museum later this year. The rockers chose the venue because, for once, they didn’t want to be the oldest fossils in the room.

6. According to a new survey, 55% of U.S. millennials would seriously consider living some place outside of America. But, the results may have been skewed because the question before that one was about a Donald Trump presidency.

7. Democratic presidential contender Hillary Clinton has raised more than $45 million since she entered the race in April. Or, to put it in terms Hillary can understand, half of her regular speaking appearance fee.

8. On Wednesday, Lions Gate Entertainment announced that it will produce a movie based on the board game Monopoly. The film will be over 5 hours long and will end when everyone in the theater just quits.

9. On Tuesday, presidential candidate Jeb Bush released his tax returns revealing that he’s worth between $19 and $22 million. Or, as it’s referred to in the Republican party, the 99% percent.

10. On Tuesday, a man in a wheelchair robbed a bank in New York, making off with over $1,200 in cash. What an inspiration.

11. On Tuesday, a man in a wheelchair robbed a bank in New York, making off with over $1,200 in cash. Police believe he may have had an accomplice to help he see over the counter.

12. Turkmenistan celebrated President Kurbanguly Berdymukhamedov’s 58th birthday on Monday by opening a park in the capital of Ashgabat bearing his name. Leading many residents to have the same conversation: “It’s beautiful outside, do you want to go to Bergamandy Park, Bardymung, Burt … Ah, fuck it, let’s just stay home.”

13. Cyclist Lance Armstrong plans to ride part of the Tour de France route next month for charity. That charity, the American Society for Throwing Shit at Lance Armstrong.

14. Pope Francis has told the Bolivian government that he would like to chew coca leaves when he visits the country next month. Which may explain how the Pope was able to finish his most recent midnight mass by 12:02 a.m.

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