June 18, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Singer-songwriter Neil Young told Donald Trump that the new presidential candidate does not have his permission to the use the song “Rockin’ in the Free World.” As a result, Trump has contacted Beck to see if he can use “the Devil’s Haircut.”

2. According to a report from the CDC, the number of births in the U.S. went up last year for the first time since 2007. “Challenge accepted,” said Casey Anthony.

3. According to social media, a new trend among young women is growing out their underarm hair. Also a new trend among young women, celibacy.

4. China on Wednesday rebuffed comments made by Donald Trump that China is stealing U.S. jobs, saying trade between the two countries is a win-win. Begging the question, what will you give us for Donald?

5. According to a new study, only 50% of all athletes who have knee surgery return to the high level of performance they had before the procedure. Scary to think that there’s potentially an even worse version of the Knicks out there.

6. In a recent interview, former Spokane NAACP president Rachel Dolezal said she doesn’t consider herself a con artist. Unless that some sort of new slang black people are now using, in that case, yes she does.

7. A Pittsburgh man robbed a bank this week using a vibrator. Said the man, “For the love of God, someone please warn my wife we accidentally switched bags before she sees ‘Magic Mike 2.’”

8. Iran has launched a website designed to encourage young single people to get married. It’s called ForcedMatch.com.

9. Yesterday, Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel told the media he is retiring the trademark money sign he does with his fingers after a good play. Said Browns fans, “We got really excited, but then we heard there was more to the sentence after the word ‘retiring.’”

10. Hillary Clinton said on Wednesday that she would soon roll out a plan to make college more affordable and help graduates who are already mired in student debt. And, since her husband Bill is one of her advisors, I’m gonna guess the plan is stripping.

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