June 17, 2015 – Monologue Jokes

1. Yesterday, entrepreneur and all-around laughing-stock Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election. Between Ted Cruz, Ben Carson and now Trump, the ever-important ‘mentally-unstable Republican voter off his meds’ demographic will be hotly contested.

2. Yesterday, entrepreneur and walking-hairpiece Donald Trump announced his candidacy for the Republican nomination in the 2016 presidential election joining a crowded field of GOP candidates including Jeb Bush and Richard Santorium. So now we have a Bush, a Dick and an asshole.

3. On Tuesday, Donald Trump announced his bid for president in a rambling speech in which he accused Mexico of sending rapists and other criminals to live in the U.S. And, I gotta admit, that man is speaking my language. I have always been for home-grown rapists, no more outsourcing.

4. George Kirby, 103, and Doreen Luckie, 91, became the world’s oldest newlywed couple on Saturday. They are registered at Sponge Bath & Beyond.

5. George Kirby, 103, and Doreen Luckie, 91, became the world’s oldest newlywed couple on Saturday. Does the time they are living on count as their something borrowed?

6. The lead singer of Smash Mouth launched into an obscenity-laced tirade and threatened to punch a fan in the face after being pelted with bread while preforming at a state fair in Colorado. “Slow down! Now where are they giving out free bread?” said the lead singer of Creed.

7. The lead singer of Smash Mouth launched into an obscenity-laced tirade and threatened to punch a fan in the face after being pelted with bread while performing at a state fair in Colorado. That’s terrible, my heart goes out to the guy labeled a Smash Mouth fan.

8. Reports are emerging that the two prison escapees in upstate New York had a sexual relationship with prison worker Joyce Mitchell. Proving that every man, no matter the situation, will try to sneak away the morning after.

9. This week, Brooklyn hosted its annual smallest penis contest. It was really hard to tell if anyone was excited to be there.

10. A company has developed a fitness tracker that is worn around the penis and can count the number of calories burned during intercourse. Of course, the answer is always zero because, as it turns out, people aren’t too psyched to have sex with a guy who has a machine strapped to his junk.

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